


Take the Risk or Lose the Chance

by TracyLouiseHeart



Category: Ocean's (Movies), Ocean's 8 (2018), Ocean's Eleven Trilogy (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Childhood Friends, F/F, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Internalized Homophobia, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-06-11 19:28:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15322620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TracyLouiseHeart/pseuds/TracyLouiseHeart
Summary: Tammy, Debbie, and Lou have lived many lives leading up to the Toussaint heist. Over the years, their lives have intersected in a number of ways. Tammy and Debbie were childhood best friends, but that changed when Tammy mysteriously vanished. Lou has a mysterious past that nobody quite knows.This story is about missed connections, actual connections, miscommunications, and the secrets families keep.





	1. Lou

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I have written in a very long time, so also my first in this fandom. Hopefully it's not too OOC...(Tammy here is quite close in age to Debbie, so I'm sorry if that seems weird).
> 
> I wanted to explore what grappling with sexuality might have been like for these three at various points through their lives. It jumps around quite a bit. Right now the latest in time event is a scene towards the beginning of the movie, I may extend post-movie. I've got a bit of a backlog of content, so we'll see what happens.

Lou sauntered into the kitchen in nothing more than a bathrobe, boxers, a mostly untied tie, and a rabbit mask that she’d pushed up almost like a hat.  The young woman in her bed had some strange party habits, but no matter.

 

Deb was out- well, out of jail, but also out for the evening. Their first day together and already Lou had no idea where she’d gone. Not that Lou had ever gotten a vote in these matters, and besides, she rationalized, she had a damn club to run.

 

Despite her general demeanor, Lou was not generally the womanizer that people assumed she was. Most of the time, she preferred to spend her free time among her records and books or out riding. Which isn’t to say that she had any trouble bedding women when she wanted to- she certainly did not and would resent any such implication. She liked the way that people perceived her: bad, hard.

 

Lou was doing a bit of washing up when Debbie burst into the kitchen with Chinese takeout. Lou turned to face Debbie, raising an eyebrow.  She glanced at her watch- it wasn’t even midnight yet. _God, we’re old_ , she mused.

 

“Back so soon?” Lou inquired. Debbie rolled her eyes, pulling out food and not responding. Lou sighed,

 

“Oh, come on. Don’t be like this already.” The blonde settled into the seat across from her partner, legs splayed slightly per usual. Self-consciously, she remembered she hadn’t pulled the robe closed and took the moment to remedy the situation, hoping that Debbie hadn’t noticed.

 

After a few moments, Debbie relaxed a bit. Lou could see now she’d been wound up about something presumably entirely unrelated to their awkward relationship dynamic. Debbie had a tendency to get lost in her thoughts and become completely oblivious to the world around her. The same hyperfocus that made her so successful as a con, when directed introspectively, was nearly impenetrable. But, as she relaxed, she came to. She looked at Lou and smiled mischievously,

 

“You’ll never guess what I just did.”  Lou looked at her, curious.  “I paid Claude a visit,” Debbie offered. Lou feigned interest as Debbie regaled her with the tale, but she could feel her heart shooting endlessly downwards. _Maybe it’ll end up back in Aus_ , she thought bitterly.

 

Of course, Lou shouldn’t care. Debbie hated Claude more now than she hated nearly anyone. So why, then, was Lou so jealous?  It was driving her fucking mad.

 

\--

 

Risk averse.

 

It might seem an odd way to describe a woman who almost always rode a motorcycle and seemingly proudly and uncompromisingly dressed as she saw fit regardless of the situation or anyone else’s opinion.

 

She had the air of someone who was born a criminal- not in the same way as her partner, to be clear. No, she had been born into a perfectly average Australian family. Maybe it wasn’t inherently her lineage that was her downfall, but rather just the simple fact of who she was.

 

In point of literal technical fact, lesbianism was not ever officially criminalized in the same way as “buggery” had been for gay men, but the stigma sure felt the same when some douchebag at a bar felt emasculated by her very existence and tried to beat the living daylights out of her. In a lot of ways, the law had always seemed to Lou more symbolic anyway. Perhaps that view insulated her from being overly precious about breaking the law, as well.

 

That was, at least, what Tammy had been able to put together from the bits and pieces Lou had offered during particularly vulnerable moments over the years.

 

\--

 

When Debbie had first introduced Tammy to Lou, she vigorously cautioned Debbie about not falling too hard for her. She’d seen a few too many times the ways that women _like that_ had for playing the field and breaking hearts, neither of which Debbie had yet experienced.  

 

They’d been…young. But Tammy had always been the adventurous one in their youth. Late onset risk aversion, Tammy thought to her herself. By now, the three of them had lived so many lives it was honestly hard to keep track sometimes.

 

\--

 

It was August in New Jersey, and it was miserably humid. And hot. Overwhelmingly hot. The year was 1993. Tammy had convinced Debbie to trek down to Atlantic City with her, even though- or perhaps because- it had the reputation for being dirty and somewhat unsafe.

 

Tammy’s hair was a salt-addled hot pink bob, although her dark roots were prominent. Her eyes were heavily lined and copious amounts of glitter were involved. She wore ripped fishnets under her very short cutoffs and a black band tee that had been made the more form fitting with safety pins and a ribbon lacing up the back. Her feet were adorned with old, well-worn Docs, despite the heat.

 

Tammy was bold. Debbie had always envied that about her. In contrast, Debbie was a pro at blending into the scenery, which Tammy always believed was because she’d never had the freedom to discover who she was beyond the confines of her family’s name. They were infamous throughout the country, but even more so locally. And Debbie had never yet left the area.

 

To be fair, neither had Tammy, but she’d had some idea of who she was at a younger age. Tamsin, she’d gone by back then, although not her given name. T for short. God, that girl would be so disappointed in Tammy.

 

In any event, T was the type of person who always knew about lesbian parties that sprung up around the area. And who was always begging people to come with. And “people” meant Debbie, because they were best friends.

 

At this point in their lives, they’d come up together from preschool through college (Tammy graduated a year early, a concession to her parents; Debbie had dropped out for similar reasons).

 

Debbie had seen Tammy through many a heartbreak, although she herself tended to stay on the sidelines. Her family was too overbearing, old fashioned, and omnipresent that whomever she chose to date or sleep with had better be iron-clad and up to the task. Which left approximately no one.

 

Debbie was getting a drink at the bar using a fake id, which she’d only need for another couple of months. That was when she saw a tall figure in a jet black three-piece suit saunter in and sidle up to the bar just next to Debbie. The figure had short blond hair and piercing blue eyes rimmed seductively in smudged kohl liner in a deep, cool charcoal grey shade, and full, long lips just kissed with chapstick.  Debbie’s entire body felt hot and her breath caught in her throat.

 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” The low, rich, and slightly raspy tone of the voice nearly swept Debbie off her feet. She blushed, and stammered,

 

“Oh…I uh…you…I just thought you were someone else.”

 

“Riiight.” The mysterious hottie payed for Debbie’s drink and started back towards the crowd.

 

“Wait-“ Debbie said, too quickly. “I’m Debbie.”

 

“Lou,” she offered, slowly, eyes laughing.  Debbie studied Lou carefully, trying to understand Lou’s gender. Lou was clearly accustomed to this.

 

“Yes, I’m a woman. And…you could just…ask.” Lou’s tone was playful, but also a bit cautious and indignant. Debbie blushed again, which she was entirely unaccustomed to. The stirring that she felt deep within herself was not quite like anything she’d felt before. She felt totally out of her element.

 

Debbie glanced around for Tammy, but she was…occupied with a woman she’d been eyeing earlier.  She cleared her throat, turning back to Lou, who was still somehow looking at her.

 

“So um…what…do you do?”  Lou leaned back against the bar.

 

“I’m…well, formally I’m in business school, and I tend bar on weekends.”

 

“And informally?”

 

“Ah…well…any opportunity that presents itself,” Lou crooned, with a deeply dirty glint in her eye.  Debbie smiled, leaning her chest forward a bit, emphasizing her cleavage. Not that she had to, she was wearing a short silver dress that had a deep v neckline- one of Tammy’s.

 

“Any opportunity?” Debbie repeated flirtatiously, getting her bearings back.

 

Lou brushed a stray strand of Debbie’s hair out of her face, and ran her long fingers down Debbie’s jawline, then her neck.  Debbie quivered, fighting not to draw back when Tammy unceremoniously flopped against the bar on Debbie’s other side. Tammy was maybe tripping a little bit, maybe a lot drunk, and definitely hadn’t noticed Lou’s presence

 

“OH MY GOD DEB. That was…fucking amazing!”  Debbie blushed deeply, mouthing “sorry” in Lou’s direction before turning to tend to her.  As Deb was getting water for Tammy, Lou cleared her throat and addressed Tammy.

 

“Are…you…even old enough to buy cigarettes? How did they let you in here?” Tammy, who was leaning her arched back into the bar so far that her short hair grazed several glasses, turned her head to face the disembodied voice.

 

“Who the fuck are you?” Lou raised an eyebrow, looking at Tammy with utter disdain. Lou’s eyes flicked over to Deb’s long cascading locks, which was about all that was visible of her in the crush of thirsty patrons. She sighed, turning back to the pink haired teen.

 

“Charming. Name’s Lou,” she said, reaching out her hand to shake.  Tammy rolled her eyes. Lou dropped her hand and resumed drinking.

 

“Lou? Really? And another thing! I’ll have you know I am a college graduate.” Tammy’s speech was slurred, and she seemed to have forgotten how to stand, and swayed wildly, almost hitting her head on the edge of the bar. Lou wrapped her long arms around the kid and helped her to sit. Tammy didn’t fight this, just huffed indignantly. This was certainly not the way Lou had planned on this night going.

 

But then…Lou hadn’t really planned anything, let alone to come out to a lesbian night at a seedy club, either. She really should be studying for her last exam of the summer term (she wanted to complete the program as soon as humanly possible)…not that she ever actually studied for anything a day in her life. And besides…hadn’t she moved her to start over? A new life? A new life that included lots of lesbianing?

 

“Hey! Louis!” Tammy shouted, bringing Lou out of her thoughts. She laughed at the name. Raising her eyes from the ice floating in her glass, she saw that Deb had returned and was tending to Tammy as though this were a nightly occurrence. She sat back and watched, smiling softly, then grabbed a pen from a departed patron’s receipt and a cocktail napkin. She scribbled down her number and slid the napkin into Debbie’s bra, fingers lingering just a fraction of a second longer than necessary. She caught Deb’s eye and winked, then was gone.


	2. Debbie & Tammy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of Debbie's relationship history (or lack thereof) and a couple peeks into Tammy & Debbie's friendship, starting when they're children.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is about bb Tammy and Debbie. I made some specific (maybe weird) choices. It feels right to me that these characters would have extremely complicated relationships to queerness, but hopefully the backstory and characterization are plausible enough.
> 
> FTR, this story imagines Debbie being born in '73, and Tammy is 2 years younger. I wanted to make them older, but this timeframe just fit better. 
> 
> Going back to go forward. Also, don't worry, Lou will be back soon! Comments are super helpful!

Debbie didn’t call Lou. She kept the napkin, folded elaborately so no one could read it. It was tucked away in her Bible.

 

The Oceans were…fairly religious. Their protestantism was, allegedly, one of the hallmarks that differentiated them from the mafia, which was, apparently, a point of pride. They were religious enough that Deb and Danny spent at least one day a week at church until they were…well, pretty much until they finished high school. They had both protested frequently and bitterly about going, citing the life of a crime family being incompatible with the teachings.  That only lead to the belt, but apparently the siblings were too stubborn to learn from their mistakes.

 

\--

 

Coming of age in the church in the 70s and 80s, it was pretty unequivocal that homosexuality was not an acceptable practice. Also, yes, it was considered more of a practice than a trait, at least in the Oceans’ community. Living so close to New York City but decidedly not in the actual city meant that there was more exposure to art and ideas, but also infinitely more opportunity to become “disabused” of any sort of “perverted” notions.  So that was fun. There was a lot of fear-mongering about the dangers of drugs and sex, particularly in their conservative town. The AIDS crisis, although certainly terrifying, was painted in light of the moral failings of gay men and drug users. The confusion surrounding the cause of the disease provided was ripe for uninformed moralizing, and the Oceans' particular church was all too eager to fill that role. Even as an adult, Debbie imagines she'll spend the rest of her life unlearning those teachings. 

 

Of course, the only two times Debbie had ever kissed a girl up until the point that she met Lou were, where else, at church. She and Tammy had run off rather than attending Sunday school- Debbie was 6 and Tammy 4. They were cleverly hiding out in a closet beneath a set of stairs, which was where many of the toys were stored. They were whispering sweet silly stories to one another, talking close as young children will do.

 

Suddenly, Tammy’s face got very serious and she sat back on her heels.

 

“Debbie?” her tiny, squeaky voice uttered.

 

“Yeah?” the older girl replied, brow furrowing.

 

“Did…you..KNOW?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Did you know about…about how grown ups KISS?” Tammy’s eyes were saucers. She licked her lips.

 

“Uh…you mean like…on the mouth? Yeah…I think…Danny did it already once-”

 

Tammy’s baby mouth was suddenly crushing up against Debbie’s. The older girl fell back with the impact, and the two spent a moment trying to understand what to do. Ultimately, they fell over laughing hysterically about how ridiculous adults were and that was that.

 

\--

 

Tammy and Debbie kissed one more time after that. It was midnight, and they were sitting on gravestones in the cemetery surrounding the church smoking. Tammy had selected possibly the shortest stone in the yard, which was uncharacteristic of her.

 

Debbie was 16 and Tammy was 14. Years earlier, Tammy had been skipped ahead a couple of grades, so they had started high school together. It was the very end of sophomore year, and Tammy was about to be shipped off to camp for the summer. The girls always hated this part of the year the most, because it was the only time they were apart.

 

Tammy took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She seemed to have forgotten about her cigarette. Debbie lightly kicked Tammy’s converse clad foot with her bare foot, having kicked off her sandals.

 

“Hey. Whatcha thinkin about?” Tammy raised her eyes slowly, shamefully. As she cleared her throat, Deb could see there were tears in her eyes. “Oh…Tam, what is it? What’s wrong?”

 

“I…I think there’s something wrong with me.” Deb’s brow furrowed, much as it had when they were younger.

 

“Wrong? Wrong how? Are you sick?”

 

“Well…no…I mean…yes, maybe. In a way. Not physically though.” Deb relaxed a little bit, but was extremely confused.  She had thought she and Tammy knew everything about one another.

 

“Tammy…what are you saying?” Deb slid off her stone onto the ground so she could sit closer to her friend. Their calves touched casually and Tam stiffened, which she had never done before. They had always cuddled and touched and it had never been weird. They used to take baths together, for crying out loud. “Tam…you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

 

Tammy was terrified.  She didn’t want to lose her best friend, and she didn’t want things to be weird between them.  She didn’t have an awful lot in her life that made her happy, but Debbie was her rock. Debbie was what kept her going, and she was pretty sure this was going to change everything. In fact, just last week at dinner Debbie’s granddad had been going on about how homosexuals should be shot, and nobody at the table had explicitly disagreed. Tammy had left that dinner abruptly, tears hot in her eyes, but Deb had just thought she didn’t feel well. Which…hadn’t been a complete lie.

 

“Deb…I…I think…I’m gay.”  Debbie looked stunned, and didn’t say anything for a very long time. Too long, and she knew it. She could see Tammy drawing back into herself, bracing for the worst. Debbie really, truly didn’t know what to say. She just reached her hands out and held Tammy’s in her own for another long moment, looking at their hands.  Then she tried to look her in the eye. She gently lifted Tammy’s chin so she would cooperate, and Deb spent another long moment trying to read her. She smiled softly.

 

“That’s all?” Debbie was trying to reassure her friend and lighten the mood, but her head was reeling. Everything she had ever been told indicated that this was wrong, but Tammy was objectively the best person that she had ever met. And…even if she hadn’t been, she was family. And family always protects family, even when they’re wrong. Still…family was allowed to have…loud opinions, sometimes…but…maybe this wasn’t one of those times.

 

Tammy smiled, appreciative of Debbie’s gesture. She reached up and put her hand over Debbie’s, which was still on her chin. She looked deep into Debbie’s eyes, and they both knew what she was asking. It wasn't something Debbie had ever actively thought about doing before, which meant, of course, that she tacitly assumed that if she were going to be kissing someone, it would be a boy. 

 

Debbie removed her hand so she could kneel before Tammy, but of course Tammy misunderstood the gesture. So, when Debbie’s lips softly grazed against her own, Tammy was completely taken by surprise. It was nothing like it had been when they were tiny tikes.  The kiss was delicate, tender. Deb parted her lips, granting Tammy access to explore, which she did hesitantly, cautiously. Deb moaned softly, surprised to find that she liked it. She liked it a lot. In later years, she would wonder why chose to kiss Tammy in this moment, whether it was just to comfort the younger girl, if she was just curious...or if there could've been something more there.

The pace of the kiss grew more frantic, hungry. Debbie’s hands roamed over Tammy’s thighs, pulling her down into the grass. They girls wobbled and fumbled until Tammy fell onto Debbie, their legs intertwined. Both girls looked at each other anxiously, but just as Tammy was about to resume, a flashlight panned across and spotted them. They must have been distracted because Tammy’s father was only a couple feet away, and he was mad as hell.

 

“TAMARA WHAT IN GOD’S NAME ARE YOU DOING?” He closed the gap quickly and wrenched Tammy’s arm completely in the wrong direction, hard. Debbie heard something snap, Tammy was doubled over in pain, but hobbling to keep up as he hauled her up over his shoulder and carried her off.

 

“WAIT!” Debbie ran after them down the steep gravel path, barely noticing the way it bit at her feet. Tammy’s father shoved her back so violently that Debbie fell and he almost dropped his daughter.

 

“Deborah stay out of this. I’m sorry that you got dragged into this. Things will be better when Tammy gets back from camp.” Deb scrambled to catch up but was too slow. She’d been mildly aware of some discomfort in her ankle as she fell, but when she tried to stand, the pain was excruciating. She scrambled off the path, leaning against a tree for support. Now that she’d lost her momentum, the gravel was unbearable against her raw feet. She caught a glimpse of the resignation in Tammy’s eyes and it broke her heart.

 

Dusty, bruised, and caked in a small amount of blood from minor cuts she’d yet to notice, Debbie pulled both of the church doors open at the same time, a foolproof method of disengaging the old, useless lock. She hobbled inside and called the only person she could think to call, her brother.

 

Danny somewhat cautiously entered the church, uncertain about what had happened. Debbie had been frazzled and panicked on the phone, and he’d not understood anything she’d said other than her location. He’d expected her to jump into his car when he pulled up, but when she was nowhere to be seen after several minutes, he started to get concerned. He was usually just a get away driver.

 

He found her, sitting on the steps to a Sunday School classroom, elevating a highly swollen ankle on a wastebasket. Her forehead was resting against her palms, her long locks splayed out wildly in every direction. He hadn’t seen her this unraveled since she’s fallen off the swing set as a toddler.

 

By now, Danny knew well that first impressions could be deceptive. He had, of course, been running small scams for a couple of years by then. He fought his rage instinct and sat next to Deb.

 

“You wanna tell me what the hell is going on?”

 

She looked up slowly, pulling her matted hair out of her face. Her hands rested about midway down the length of it, falling like mutilated drop curtains around the anguished expression on her face. There were streaks of black and electric blue running down her face, seemingly pooling beneath her puffy eyes. She stared deep into his eyes. This was something she’d always done, and he’d always hated. The way she could communicate without speaking felt almost supernatural to him. But this time was different. She was shutting him out, and he was sure he deserved it. Sighing, he asked,

 

“Can I at least carry you out of here?” She assented wordlessly.

 --

After rescuing Debbie from the church parking lot, Danny had taken Debbie to a doctor who was a family friend.  He was, in truth, essentially a mob doctor, but at least he’s off-the-record garage office looked professional enough.  It took Debbie actually a few more years to realize that Dr. Jones wasn’t legit- and also that that was not his real name. It wasn’t that she was stupid, she’d just never actually stopped to think about what a regular doctor’s office might be like.

 

Danny hovered over her constantly. She was his baby sister, after all. But she remained tight-lipped about the entire incident, and he didn’t push. It occurred to her numerous times that what he was envisioning was undoubtedly worse than what had happened, but she just couldn’t talk about it. _And besides, what if he thinks it’s a sin? What if he tells Dad?_

 

Debbie had fallen just the right way (well, wrong, really) when she fell that she’d broken her ankle in two places, which meant that she was out of commission for pretty much the whole summer. All she had to do was sit and obsess and worry. And also be used as bait by her family, you know, the normal things families do with their injured youngest.

 

Eventually the moping and worrying and scamming were just not cutting it, so she started volunteering at the church (although it would be a lie to say she wasn't also taking money from the coffers). It didn’t require standing, and the constant conversation was a comfortable distraction from her inner turmoil. Mostly.

 

…Except that Aunt Ida also volunteered at the church. And Aunt Ida’s favorite hobby, aside from crocheting, was asking about Debbie’s relationship status.

 

One day, Debbie was sitting at the receptionist’s desk, holding down the fort while the actual receptionist was on vacation. (If you’re wondering, no, not an awful lot of people call the church office in the middle of July.) Ida strolled in in her usual fashion, carrying a basket full of muffins that she distributed as she made her rounds, saying hello to literally every arguably living being in the building, including the mouse who allegedly had lived there for the past half century. Debbie rolled her eyes, pulled her headphones back on, and went back to doodling on a leftover bulletin from the previous week. She jumped when she saw Ida’s leathery, tanned hand extending a coconut chocolate chip muffin within her range of sight, pulling her headphones off. Ida chuckled.

 

“Kind of hard to cover the phone if you’re listening to music that loudly, no?” Debbie rolled her eyes again.

 

“I guess…” she replied, snatching the muffin. She wasn’t really in the mood for either interaction or food, but family was family.

 

“Got a new boyfriend yet?” Ida teased. Debbie fought hard to keep her face from crumpling. She sank down deeper in the chair. “Oh honey, don’t worry about it. Once you get this stupid boot off your leg you’ll be back in the game in no time. I’m surprised that boy Matthew hasn’t been by to check on you.”

 

“Ugh. Why would he? I haven’t even talked to him since we were like 10.”

 

“Still…you were such a cute couple. Talk of the playground. We always thought you’d get married…you would have such cute babies” Debbie looked at her in disbelief, shook her head, and started picking at the muffin so she wouldn’t have to look at her Aunt anymore. At least the rest of the family wasn’t that ridiculous. Or was that just how normal law-abiding homemakers were? Debbie had no idea.

 


	3. Debbie & Tammy, Pt. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two times Debbie and Tammy are reunited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the feedback on the last chapter! This one adds a bit more color to Deb & Tammy's relationship, and there's another chapter on deck, I hope you like it :)

Tammy started junior year late. Debbie spotted her across the library the first Monday in October. She tried to catch Tammy’s eye unsuccessfully, so she bounded over to her and went to hug the younger girl. Tammy froze feeling Debbie’s embrace, trying to pull back. Deb felt the uncharacteristic response and released her, dejected. She pulled Tammy into an empty study room.

 

“Hey…uh…did…you just get back?” Debbie was trying to play it cool. Tammy nodded.

 

“There was um. I was sick. But I’m good now. I mean…skinnier but. You know.”

 

“Oh…” Debbie could sense something was different, but she had no idea what. Maybe that night had just changed things, she guessed. “I um. I tried to call…and write…”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“No, don’t be, it’s ok.” Debbie flashed her signature smile, having spent the summer (and most of her life) learning how to put on a convincingly happy face despite her inner turmoil. She felt like she was going crazy, though, having spent the summer literally sick with worry when it seemed as though Tammy might not have been thinking about her at all.

 

A football player entered the room. Randy. Debbie rolled her eyes.

 

“Dude, we’re kind of in the middle of something here.” He glared at Deb.

 

“No, I think you’re done,” he said, taking Tammy’s hand, “come on babe, let’s go.”

 

And that was that.

 

\--

 

And so Debbie spent a lot of time on her own, much like she had over the summer. She must’ve done something wrong. In her own twisted mind, she began to believe that Tammy must have been testing her. She must have just known that Debbie was, essentially, born trouble. It was in her blood.

 

She tried to warm up to Randy, which wasn’t hard. He wasn’t as stupid or as much of an asshole as she’d assumed. And Tammy seemed to be happy, which was all that mattered. But most importantly, Tammy was family, and Debbie was going to do whatever it took not to lose her.

 

It wasn’t like it had been before, there was more distance between them. Debbie shouldn’t have been so suggestible, should’ve never kissed her. It made perfect sense that things would be hard now. But to not have even told Debbie that she was sick? They’d never been apart for that long before, and certainly not when one of them was hurting.

 

It would’ve been fine, probably, except Debbie had never really made other friends. She didn’t like anyone else, they all seemed to vapid. And they hated her anyway, unless they thought she’d introduce them to Danny, which…of course she wasn’t going to do that. Partially because that was gross, and partially out of a strange protective instinct that made no logical sense. Danny was older, he was in college. He could take care of himself.

 

But also…Danny was in college. So Debbie was well and truly alone, aside from distracted Tammy and her Ken doll boyfriend. Which…was maybe worse than literally being alone.

 

It was fine. It gave her time to pursue her interests. She decided to pick up a hobby- reading. Reading about real life murderers, for some reason. It was the only topic that could hold her interest. She was _fine_.

 

\--

The formal introduction came under the guise of a job, years later.

 

Deb was about to turn 30, so it made sense that she would mark the occasion with something big, something out of the ordinary. It made perfect sense.

 

The two had had a falling out a few years back, and hadn’t seen each other since. Well, once in passing at the supermarket back home, but that didn’t count. To be honest, Tammy’d had too many things on her mind to have given much thought to her childhood best friend. That, and she would rather avoid the subject by any means necessary, considering that it had been her fault they weren’t talking in the first place.

 

So, when Tammy got home, arms laden with too many groceries, to find Debbie Ocean lounging on her window seat, she almost jumped out of her own skin. Trembling slightly, she struggled to regain control of the bags in her arms. A few oranges rolled out of the top, but she was pleased at the amount of control that she had mustered.

 

Debbie raised an eyebrow, but didn’t show any intention of standing.

 

“Need a hand?” Tammy put the groceries down, sighing heavily.

 

“What are you doing here?” Tammy started putting the items into their respective places with a bit more force than necessary.

 

“Wow…touchy.” Tammy glared.

 

“I haven’t even talked to you in over five years and you’re just…you’re just in my fucking house? I think I deserve to know why you’re here.”

 

“Well, I was going to get there, but also, as I recall, _you_ were the one who didn’t want to keep in touch. So you don’t get to guilt trip me.”

 

Tammy was visibly agitated at the reminder, which was not going to make her receptive to Deb’s plan unless she managed to set the younger woman’s mind at ease.

 

“TamTam…I’m not here to fight.” Debbie was pouting playfully, trying to make Tammy laugh like she had so many times before.  Tammy pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose, sighing heavily. In that moment, she looked much older than her 28 years. There were bags under her eyes so big and dark that it looked like she hadn’t slept well in years. “Hey…Tammy…are you ok?” Debbie’s voice was soft and genuine. She tried to catch Tammy’s eye, but the younger woman was actively avoiding her.

 

“Deb. Stop.”

 

“No. What the hell happened to you?”

 

“I grew the fuck up. You should try it.”

 

“Great, yeah, real mature.”

 

“Debbie what the hell do you want from me? I thought I made myself pretty clear.”

 

“I…” Debbie’s confidence faltered uncharacteristically. “This was a mistake, wasn’t it? I just…it’s...” Deb made a valiant effort to recover her façade, but just shut her mouth. She was on the verge of breaking. After a long breath Debbie turned to Tammy. “Look at me.”

 

Tammy complied, sensing the shift in Deb’s demeanor.

 

“What?”

 

“What did I do wrong?” Tammy frowned.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What do you mean what do I mean? Why did you push me out?” Tammy hadn’t seen Debbie this vulnerable, possibly ever, but at least certainly not since they were children. Tammy had known that Debbie would blame herself to a certain extent, but it appeared that she had slightly underestimated the impact.

 

“Look…Debbie…it’s not. It’s not your fault. I know that I let you think that it was, but it was just because I needed you to stay away from me.”

 

Debbie wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than the alternative.

 

“So…what, you just fucking decided you hated me out of the blue?” Her voice cracked and softened to no more than a whisper. “You were my sister.”

 

Tammy, of course, knew what that meant. The Oceans may have prided themselves on being nonviolent, or at least less violent than the mob, but family still meant everything to them in very much the same way. Letting someone in was not something that they took lightly.

 

Tears were silently streaming down Debbie’s face. She leaned back in the shadows in an attempt to hide what she perceived as weakness. Tammy didn’t say anything, not knowing what to say. There were things she didn’t want Debbie to know. She’d been through things that would break Debbie’s heart just to know about. And things that would make Debbie question all of Tammy’s actions, which was something that Tammy didn’t have the bandwidth for. She was on a path, and she needed to fucking stay on it.

 

“Debbie I promise you didn’t do anything wrong. I fucked up, I know I did. I just…hit rock bottom. My parents…”

 

“Your parents? I thought you lost touch with them?”

 

“I…had…for a time. And then I hit rock bottom. You know I was out of control. I just couldn’t do it anymore. They sent me to rehab. It was a whole thing.”

 

“They didn’t have phones or mail in any of those places?” Debbie was pissed, and they both knew it was because she was overprotective and it killed her that she hadn’t been allowed to support Tammy. Which…was why Tammy only told her part of the story.

 

“I’m sorry, Debbie, but I really was just out of my mind. And when I got out…I just needed a fresh start. I know it was shitty of me but it’s in the fucking past. And anyway, you broke into my house despite what I did so…I’ll ask you again. What are you doing here?”

 

Debbie’s dark eyes sparkled as she remembered the reason that she had come by in the first place, the shadow lifting slightly.

 

“A job.” Tammy raised an eyebrow.

 

“You hate me but you want me with you on a job? That sounds like a horrible idea.”

 

Debbie rolled her eyes dramatically, as she always did.

 

“I don’t hate you, you dork. I’m just…I was worried about you. Especially when I couldn’t find you for ages…even with my skills. I thought…” Debbie shook it off. “Anyway, are you in?”

 

Now Tammy rolled her eyes, making fun of Debbie.

 

“Well, what the heck are we trying to steal?”

 

“Excuse me, trying? We are _going_ to liberate some jewelry. Mama needs something nice for her birthday. If I have to be old I at least wanna look hot.” Tammy laughed and smacked her arm.

 

“30 isn’t old and you’re always the hottest girl in the room.”

 

And that’s how Tammy found herself at a casino bar with Debbie, waiting to meet Deb’s new partner and scope out a mark.

 

Lou sauntered over. Her chin-length hair was slicked back, and she wore a burgundy velvet tuxedo over a rich, cream-colored silk button-up with simple black leather western boots. There were gold hoops in her ears, and a simple gold necklace with a small circle pendant on it was snug between her breasts. She also wore signet rings on the pinkie and ring finger of her right hand.  Tammy’s jaw dropped as Lou caught her eye. Lou winked and slid her hands into the brunette’s long mane, kissing her assertively. Tammy looked around the room, where it appeared that everyone was too wrapped up in their own business to notice the pair, feeling her cheeks flushing to a deep crimson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The next chapter is Lou & Tammy centric, I promise there is more Lou.)


	4. Tammy & Lou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of moments of friendship where Tammy and Lou connect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is going to keep jumping around in time, I think. I hope it's not too confusing!  
> There is some bittersweetness going on in this chapter.

Lou was the only person that Tammy told about what happened to her when she went to “camp” that mysterious summer. Tammy had known her simply as the kindhearted bartender who took her in for a few nights. (Lou wasn't yet Debbie's "partner," after all.) Even now, Lou would never mention anything to Debbie. It wasn't her story to tell. She'd always felt a bartender had an implicit obligation to keep customer confessions confidential. Well, unless or until that person's life or health were in grave and immediate danger and disclosing would make the difference. That day had yet to arrive, so she held her tongue. Lou never even mentioned it again until Tammy's wedding day.

\--

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Lou said casually, matter-of-factly, lounging on Tammy’s bed as the nervous bride fussed with her dress. There were a few hours remaining before they had to make their way to the church for the ceremony.

Tammy huffed, smoothing down a layer of tulle inside her skirt. The dress was a near exact replica of Cinderella’s wedding dress, and Lou couldn’t help but shake her head and laugh. Admittedly, they had both laughed far more at the mauve taffeta gown that Tammy’s mother insisted that Lou wear. (Desperate times called for desperate measures, though, so she had begrudgingly obliged.)

The poufy skirt of Lou’s dress was currently hiked up around her boxer-clad hips, legs sprawled haphazardly as they were wont to do. The bodice was only half zipped, and she still hadn’t taken off her grey lounge bra, despite the fact that the dress was strapless.

“Why the hell would you say a thing like that?” Tammy wouldn’t ordinarily speak so brashly or so fast, but she was clearly anxious.

“Because I’m your friend. And because Debs would say it if she were here wearing this hideous thing.” Debbie had gone in the slammer mere days before the wedding, not that Tammy would allow herself to care about that. They weren’t on speaking terms anyway. They couldn’t be.

“Why should I care what she would say?” Lou shrugged.

“She would say because she’s your sister. I would say because she’s right.”

“What exactly would you have me do? Be a single mother and career criminal?”

“Do you really want to be chained to this man for the foreseeable future? And require a protracted legal process to extricate yourself when you realize this is all fucking rubbish?”

“How are you so sure you know what I want?” Tammy asked, narrowing her eyes and glaring at Lou.

“Because, darling, I know what happened to you. Or had you forgotten?”

“Oh, fuck you.” Lou rolled her eyes towards the ceiling and shook her head, passing a piece of gum from one side of her mouth to the other.

“Look, if you want to keep playing at this, that’s your call. I’m just saying that you don’t have to. You could always come stay with me while you sort this out.”

Tammy laughed.

“Lou, we don’t even know each other that well.”

“Sure, that’s why I’m your maid of honor, right?”

Tammy grumbled.

“Well I needed someone to do it.”

“Riiight. And none of your college friends who you actually speak to were up to the task.”

“Oh for goodness’ sake, do I have to remind you that I only called you last week?”

Lou rolled her eyes again, popped her gum, and sat up.

“I’m not telling you what to do. But you wouldn’t have called me if you didn’t at least want me to say it.”

\--

At 10 a.m., Tammy stumbled down the Newark streets, her honey blonde hair sticking out at odd angles. The natural waves and strange tangles made it almost look crimped, and it was clear it had been a while since she’d colored her hair. Her eyes were caked in too much slept in eyeliner, deep red lipstick smudged. She pulled her leopard print coat around what was essentially a black silk nightgown. One of her boots was untied, but she didn’t seem to notice or care. A lipstick stained cigarette dangled from her fingertips.

A few years had passed since that night in Atlantic City, and very little had changed for her. Well, except for the fact that Debbie was off on jobs with her family more often than not lately, which meant that now that Tammy was actually of age, she was going out by herself.

She stumbled into her local dive, flopping onto a barstool, which was when she saw the tall blonde leaning up against the bar. She had rectangular tortoiseshell glasses perched on her nose as she glanced around behind her doing inventory. Her fitted violet vest rode up slightly as she reached for something on the top shelf, revealing more of the white v neck beneath, which was only slightly lighter than the strip of exposed skin below. Tammy was watching her closely.

“I know you,” she slurred, narrowing her eyes as if that would help place her. Her mind was foggy; she was coming down from a bad trip.

“Doubt it, I’m new in town.” The deep, smooth voice and hint of Australian accent didn’t help place the taller woman, but did make Tammy certain despite the crush of thoughts and emotions flooding her body.

“No, I’ve…seen you before. Your hair was…different…was it shorter? Yeah…and you…you were wearing a suit…” Tammy was never one to forget a great jawline or set of cheekbones.

Lou finally turned to take a look at the girl leaning up against the other side of the bar, squinting slightly in the dimly lit bar.

“Oh… I remember. You’re that little punk. You were with that brunette who never called.”

“What, Debbie? Wait, how do you even _remember_ that?” Tammy put her elbows on the bar and rested her chin on her hands. Lou studied the girl carefully, assessing the situation. She seemed like she’d probably be okay in a few hours.

“Because they all call.” Tammy snorted.

“They don’t _all_ call. That’s ridiculous.”

“Well, all except your friend,” Lou stated with a sly grin.

Tammy rolled her eyes.

“So you’re a dyke.” It’s a statement, not a question. Lou looks at her over the top of her glasses, amused.

“I am…”

“I…” Tammy’s voice falters slightly, her breathing quickens and her body trembles, “I think maybe I might be one…or I used to…or…something.” Lou raised an eyebrow. _Definitely a bad trip_.

“Is that right?”

Tammy nodded distantly but didn’t say anything more, rather she fidgeted in the stool. She picked up every object within reach, it seemed, an examined each manically before returning the objects to their original places. Lou pulled Tammy’s attention back to the conversation.

“How…does that work, exactly?”

Tammy looked confused.

“What do you mean?”

Lou’s face softened slightly at the evident emotional turmoil on the younger woman’s face. Her brow furrowed ever so slightly.

“What is it that’s confusing?” Lou set her clipboard down and pushed her glasses to the top of her head. She slid a glass of water towards Tammy and pulled herself up to sit on the bar, half twisted to face the girl. As it was morning, there were no other patrons clamoring for Lou’s attention.

“I kissed Deb, once,” Tammy confessed. Lou raised an eyebrow, not quite surprised.

“Okay…”

Tammy withdrew into herself a bit. Lou couldn’t quite tell if she was just spacing out or if she was considering something. Lou opened her mouth to speak, but Tammy beat her to it.

“My dad caught us.” _Oh,_ Lou thought, her heart breaking for the lost girl in front of her. Nothing good came out of a story that started like this. Although Lou had resolved not to let anyone see the softer parts of herself when she moved to the States, she could tell that Tammy was desperately in need of someone. And, after all, she was a bartender. Listening was definitely part of the job.

“Go on…”

Tammy sighed.

“I’m gonna need a whiskey for this.” Lou languidly slid off the bar and poured the drink, presenting it to Tammy without question or asking for payment. She’d been in Tammy’s shoes before. Tammy smiled, grateful. She took a gulp and chewed the inside of her lip for a moment. “They sent me away. To one of those…they said I was sick and I just needed to…what is it called? They wanted to reform me.”

“Reform…you. You mean conversion therapy?” Lou’s posture shifted closer to Tammy instinctively.

Tammy nodded, picking at her chipped black nail polish.

“It was…awful. They…made me sick. It hurt…” She was chewing her lip, trying not to cry. She was starting to rifle through her pockets, presumably for a cigarette, maybe something stronger, maybe a razorblade. Whatever she was looking for wasn’t likely to be safe or healthy.

Lou came around the bar to sit on the stool beside Tammy, sliding slightly closer to the girl. She took Tammy’s hands into her own. Tammy looked up at Lou slowly with broken, puppy dog eyes. Lou’s heart shattered completely at the sight.

“I know,” she squeezed Tammy’s hands, “believe me, I know.”

The two sat for a moment like this, looking into one another’s eyes, searching, finding a common pain.  Lou released Tammy’s hands and stood.

“I’m just going to close up so we can talk,” she said, striding towards the door, “are you hungry?”

\--

Tammy was sitting on the bed next to Lou’s gown, knees tucked up to her chest. Lou sat opposite her, their calves touching. They appeared to be having a staring contest. Tammy’s wedding dress was laid out on a chair by the vanity. Tammy work a baby pink silk robe, tied modestly, with matching pajama pants; Lou simply wore her boxers and lounge bra.

“Lou…” Tammy said, hesitant but also slightly annoyed, somehow.

“Tammy…” Lou teased. Tammy furrowed her brow, pursing her lips. She took a deep breath.

“Lou, I don’t know what else to do. I’m not as strong as you are. I can’t bring this baby into that kind of lifestyle…And my parents…” Lou sighed.

“I absolutely know that you could, but I get why you don’t want to. But tell me this: do you love him?”

“…Enough that I can do this for her. He’s kind and generous, and he’ll be a great father. And he’s a good friend. It doesn't feel like I'd be suffering,” Tammy stated, clearly having made up her mind. "This little one needs safety and stability. I won't jeopardize that by giving my parents any possible grounds for taking her from me." She watched her own hand trace over her small baby bump. Lou watched Tammy for a long moment as she did this, smiling softly despite herself. Abruptly, she sat up a little straighter.

 “Hey Tam?”

“Hmm?”

“Where did you go? Those years when you and Debs weren’t speaking?”

Tammy shifted uncomfortably.

“You’re asking if…” she said, narrowing her eyes at Lou.

“Yeah, and…?”

“You’re not wrong.”

“Say it, then.”

“They did. They sent me back. You…you were right, you ass.” Lou put up her hands.

“Hey, you can insult me, but I’m not doing this for my own benefit.” Tammy kicked Lou’s thigh gently.

“I know. I’m not mad at you. I just,” Tammy took a deep breath, a couple of tears gently rolling down her cheeks, increasing in frequency as she spoke. “I should’ve listened to you. I should’ve let you get me clean instead of going back on the street. I was an idiot. Of course I was going to run out of money, of course I was going to end up in rehab, and of course my parents would be the ones to do it…it _was_ obvious.”

Lou slid forward, their legs interlaced. She gently wiped Tammy’s tears away with the pads of her thumbs and pressed a soft kiss to Tammy’s forehead.

“You’re not an idiot. You didn’t know me. I was just some shady dyke bartender. Not to mention you were high off your ass, that probably didn’t help your reasoning skills.” Lou’s slight teasing tone didn’t hit quite as she had hoped, she could tell by the barely perceptible furrow in Tammy’s brow and the way the corners of her mouth pointed down just the slightest bit.

“It’s not over, Tam. Even if you go through with this. Do what you need to do. I’ll be around, even if you disappear again. You’re going to be ok.” Lou delicately lay her large hand over the baby bump. “She’s going to be amazing. You're quite the mama lion.”

Tammy’s lower lip trembled slightly, and she mouthed “thank you.” Lou wrapped Tammy in a bear hug.

“All right kid, get a move on. Let's do this thing!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was more pleasing than the previous chapter-- let me know what you think in the comments! I'm still plotting out the next moves, so your input is especially helpful :)


	5. Lou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Debbie's supposed to meet Tammy on Fire Island, but things don't go quite as anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote a different chapter, but then it took a long time and I felt bad, and you deserve more Lou. So I wrote this. Enjoy! Comments keep the words flowing!

Lou was leaned up against a lamppost on the boardwalk, smoking. Fire Island wasn’t exactly her scene, to say the least. She always felt weird at the beach, it was hard to maintain her aesthetic. Not to mention how sticky August was in general. And there were just so many gay men.

 

But, after finishing business school, her next goal was owning a bar or a club, so here she was. She was working the lesbian traveling party circuit, which was admittedly exhausting, but she’d decided to go all in. After all, she’d come here for a fresh start, to escape the stigma that clung to her in Australia, partially due to her sexuality, but mostly due to her reputation as a junkie. This job fit the bill, although a shrink would’ve rightfully disagreed- there were a lot of drugs around. Lou maintained she’d mostly used out of boredom and lack of purpose. In any event, she was mostly clean and functional. Mostly. She cared about keeping this job, about her endgame. And the ladies were an excellent perk.

 

She wasn’t sure why or how it was that she came to set her sights on New York, but she did. Possibly movies. There were certainly other places in Australia that Lou could’ve gone, but it was her perception that everyone was always trying to get out. There was something about New York that just seemed…romantic.

 

It wasn’t a plan she’d exactly thought through.

 

Sure, she’d thought to get the paperwork taken care of by a cousin. To take on a new persona, shedding her full birth name in favor of just “Lou Miller”.  She’d thought to hack off her long locks in favor of a tapered crew cut, to bleach it even blonder. She’d thought to save money, to leave most of her belongings behind, to exchange her ratty wardrobe for an impressive set of conservative menswear suits and a small but carefully curated selection of signet rings and gold chains. She emulated a person she’d seen numerous times in backroom poker games whose gender she could not definitively state to this day. Perhaps the haze of memory had blurred the lines, or perhaps she craved that particular flavor of ambiguity.

 

However, once she arrived in the city, she had no idea what she intended. Surely, she’d intended to stay clean, but what was she going to _do_? A friend of a friend had arranged her apartment, which was nothing more than a bare room in a converted warehouse, technically illegal. But then, so theoretically were her papers. Besides, she was a lesbian descended from criminals who’d also had an illegal abortion (she’d been, somehow, determined young, healthy, and sane enough that apparently she’d no grounds to get out of it legally), so what business did she have being precious about anything anymore?

 

Nonetheless, she’d determined to go straight where work was concerned. She’d a history of bartending and food preparation, so the restaurant and hospitality industry had seemed a natural fit at first. As she rose through the ranks she became impatient with the stupidity of those who owned each establishment she worked at, the shadily maintained books, the deplorable wages they paid their workers despite dangerous conditions.

 

It wasn’t that she needed a business degree for any of this. But she was tired of being underestimated simply because she hadn’t gone to college (so, of course, she’d had someone forge a diploma, but that didn’t _really_ count as a crime, did it?). Her new persona, she’d determined, was going to be sophisticated, educated, masculine. All of the many things she’d denied herself in her youth, for one reason or another.

 

Thus, she found herself at business school in Newark. It was, decidedly, not New York. But, she couldn’t exactly live in an illegal apartment while trying to achieve something legitimate for herself. And New Jersey felt more inconspicuous. It turned out there were more connections here to her past than she cared for, and always being hypervigilant by necessity, she wanted the escape.

 

All of which to say, this was how she found herself in the same bar as Debbie Ocean and the little punk with the pink hair. Debbie Ocean who had spoiled her winning streak in the sport of seducing women.

 

In the time between that first meeting and Fire Island, Lou had begun to experiment with her style, only partly out of necessity. Showing more skin, more curves while still clad in more masculine suiting had proved immensely beneficial in this new line of work. She certainly was not complaining. It had taken her what felt like a lifetime to reach ladykiller status, and she was determined not to squander the opportunity.

 

Debbie, for her part, had sincerely believed business school was a lie. But that had nothing to do with why she didn’t call the enchanting woman who had boldly slid her number down Debbie’s bra.

 

She just hadn’t thought she was gay. She still didn’t, as she stood impatiently on the Fire Island boardwalk, searching for T. Who, of course, was nowhere to be found. _This is why I never come out anymore_ , she thought bitterly. It was such a far trip, and expensive (if she’d legitimately paid). Not that she necessarily minded being on forced vacation but where the hell was T? Checking her pager for the thousandth time, Debbie bumped into what she thought was just a lamppost, but was, rather, an impeccably dressed Lou.

 

Lou wore a light, somehow airy powder blue tuxedo. Her previously sleek and immaculate pompadour had been mussed by the sea breeze, stray strands barely brushed the top of her chiseled cheekbones, setting off ice blue eyes rimmed in smoky black liner and pale blue glitter. Her black bowtie was untied, and she wore a waistcoat in lieu of a shirt, rather than over top. Debbie imagined magic was the only possible way her breasts (which also bore a light dusting of glitter) could be held in the garment just so. One single, long gold chain with an amethyst crystal nestled just at the top of the waistcoat’s plunging v. A light ocean breeze caught her jacket, revealing that the waistcoat was backless, exposing an expanse of impossibly creamy alabaster skin. Her feet were bare but for black nail polish, her discarded white tasseled creeper loafers on a sandy beach access ramp a few feet away. Smoke billowed around her sharp features as Debbie’s contact startled her. She then deliberately blew the remaining smoke over her shoulder. Debbie was wearing another of T’s extremely short dresses, this one royal blue and strapless, with a sweetheart neckline and asymmetrical skirt that at its longest only came to mid-thigh. Debbie always protested the way that T made her play dress-up, but truth be told she did quite enjoy making an impression.

 

“Fancy meeting you here,” Lou said, flicking the butt into the sand.

 

Debbie drew back. Shoeless, slouching Lou was a few inches shorter than Debbie in the extremely high platformed lucite heels that T had insisted on. She looked down over the other woman’s features as a wave of recognition washed over her.

 

“It’s you.”

 

Lou smiled slyly.

  
“You never called.”

 

Debbie blushed deeply.

 

“I…” Lou held her hand up.

 

“Let me guess. You’re straight.”

 

Debbie blushed even more deeply. She had _thought_ that was what she was going to say, but here…looking at Lou wearing _that_ , in the moonlight…she’d never been more eager to say she was wrong in her life.

 

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

 

Lou raised an eyebrow.

 

“No?”

 

“No. I was going to say…I’ve never done this before.”

 

“Had a conversation?”

 

Debbie grumbled in exasperation.

 

“No. I mean. I’ve never…with anyone…” Lou’s eyes widened slightly, mostly in amusement.

 

“What? Flirted?” Debbie pushed some stray sand around with her toe, certain she would melt from embarrassment (or maybe something else) if she looked up.

 

“Well, not…much.” _Unless I’m trying to play someone or steal something_ , she thought.

 

“You’ve kissed someone, surely.” She said this as though she knew it to be fact, which Debbie found disarming.

 

“Yes.”

 

“What about a boyfriend? You seem like someone who’d’ve had a few of those.”

 

Debbie shook her head.

 

“Not unless fourth grade counts.”

 

“Girlfriend, then?”

 

“No.”

 

Lou looked genuinely surprised, dialing back her game a bit.

 

“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” Debbie looked up meeting Lou’s gaze. The smolder had softened to something Debbie couldn’t quite identify. Something slightly uneasy.

 

“No…no, it’s fine. I mean. Not uncomfortable in a bad way.”

 

Lou laughed, her eyes sparkling.

 

“Uncomfortable in a good way, then?”

 

“I wanted to call you. I was going to…”

 

“You don’t owe me an explanation.” Lou smoothly strode to her shoes, sliding her feet into them.

 

“I just said that and you’re leaving?”

 

“I’ve got to get back to work. You coming?” There was a playfulness in her eyes, in her barely perceptible laugh lines and the soft spray of freckles peppering them. Debbie nodded eagerly.

 

Lou held out her hand to Debbie, who grinned, accepting the gentlemanly gesture.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (shortly after the events of the flashback in the previous chapter, in case that was unclear)
> 
> Next chapter circles back to Tammy and Debbie.


	6. Sister Struggles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Debbie and Tammy always seem to keep slipping away from each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am so sorry it took so long to update!
> 
> Secondly, this chapter got extremely long and unwieldy, so I decided to split it up. It's still kind of long!

Debbie received word of Tammy’s marriage from Danny in a letter. It was the last time that she heard from her brother. The wedding was mentioned only in passing and would have been perfectly normal if it weren’t for the fact that Danny knew the two women had been making a point of ignoring one another for the past few years. Except...it wasn’t weird or casual for Danny to mention it, there never would have been a question.

 

Everything about the younger woman’s nuptials rocked Debbie to her core, but it wasn’t until a small photo of the wedding party fluttered out of the envelope that she finally cracked. Cracked because there was Lou- perfect, gorgeous, amazing Lou- standing exactly where Debbie should have been. Fuck it, they should have been there _together_. But no, Debbie was too stupid, too proud to apologize or admit she’d made mistakes. That was how she’d lost both of them. It was only natural that Lou and Tammy would lean on one another. The only consolation was that apparent strength of their connection might indicate they still cared about her, despite her many flaws and transgressions. It felt silly and self-centered, but it was something like hope, and that was the best she could muster.

 

Looking at the picture again, taking in the way Lou’s arm was draped across Tammy’s shoulder, how Tammy looked like she’d floated off the page of a storybook, the way Lou’s long legs made her coltish and slightly ridiculous in that gaudy gown, the genuine way that Lou’s eyes sparkled…Debbie felt suddenly numb. She saw her actions only from a distance, without the ability to halt or redirect their course.

 

It was from this distance that she saw a figure identical to herself but somehow not herself pull the toothbrush-shiv from her bunkmate’s pillowcase and drive it into her own thigh. Not-Debbie then stumbled towards a guard, sobbing, making quite a scene. She must have said something, but whatever it was, Debbie herself was too far removed from the situation to comprehend. The only thing she knew for certain was that when she came back to herself in the infirmary, she had a whole host of newly minted enemies and was going to be spending some quality time in solitary. Oh, right, and her leg fucking hurt like a bitch. As she sat in solitary, between fits of planning the heist, she kept asking herself one question:

 

_What was I thinking?_

 

\--

 

Tammy lay on her side on the floor of the dorm room that she shared with Debbie, surrounded by biology books and a few magazines. Her fingers were loosely curled around a pair of pink scissors. She was snoring softly, the way she only did when she was over-exhausted. A clipped photo of a statuesque blonde in an Armani suit fluttered between her fingers as a small fan blew a soft breeze over the scene, a half-finished collage flapping lightly against the floor.

 

It was midday, the sun shone brightly through the open shades. The sleeves of Tammy’s lavender sweater were pushed up around her elbows. It had ridden up to her waist on her elevated side due to the pattern of her heavy breathing. Similarly, her perpetually slightly too loose jeans had slid down beneath her hipbone.  Debbie smiled softly, taking in the image. She almost kicked a small pot of glue over as she moved to put her bag down on her bed. Tammy would be pissed when she realized she’d dozed off, but she desperately needed the sleep. Exams were still a few weeks off, but Tammy had already been stressing and plotting out every remaining minute of the semester. She’d been keeping herself obsessively busy for years. Every once in a while, Debbie would catch her doing something she thought she shouldn’t, which really consisted of any activity other than studying, but this was the first time in a very long time she’d seen Tammy look this at ease.

 

Debbie settled herself on their window seat with a cup of tea, closing her eyes and turning her face towards the sun. She pulled out her favorite book from where it was settled, worn and dog-eared, amongst her collection of black and burgundy throw pillows. It was nothing impressive or particularly well curated, just a book about Lizzie Borden she’d come across at a used book store once on vacation, but it was familiar and comforting. She’d rather not consider what that might mean about her character.

 

She found herself glancing over at Tammy’s sleeping figure every so often, or maybe more often than not. There was a strange tightness she felt in Tammy’s presence, a longing. In moments like these she could almost feel herself transported back to childhood sleepovers. The moments when they were so free and innocent, when it felt like there was no boundary between them, like they were almost the same person. Missing that closeness was a constant ache that Debbie was perpetually trying to put out of her mind, but at the same time…she craved it. She was afraid of missing the ache.

 

Sure, they’d made new friends. They were only freshmen, though, so that mostly just meant that they hung out with the girls on their hall on occasion. Of course they’d ended up in an honors dorm. Debbie could earn straight A’s without batting an eye, although that also came in handy in the fairly frequent event that she forgot about an assignment.

 

Debbie stood out in the honors dorm, like a sore thumb. Her dedication to her aesthetic (in public) was something profoundly lacking amongst her dormmates, and of course her family’s business provided endless access to the goods, if she played her cards right. That being said, she wasn’t into fashion as such. She had a very particular uniform and she did not stray from it. She had an affinity for black mostly, and earth-toned neutrals. Regardless of the weather, Deb would rarely be found without high, platformed leather spike-heeled boots and some sort of trench coat. She was known as “the bitch,” which was so unoriginal that she had actually laughed when Tammy told her. But she leaned into it. She preferred for people to keep their distance. It was a good thing the school was in New Jersey, or she would’ve never been read as anything more than a stereotype (she even had the signature smoky eye to prove it), not that she was particularly conscious of that fact. After all, her family was a perfect example of the history, class, and status upon which such stereotypes were based.

 

At this particular moment, curled up in a nest of pillows, she wore a black lace v-neck tank top over a crimson bralette and had shed everything from her bottom half except a pair of lacy boyshorts which matched the bra. The dorm room even felt stuffy with the windows open, and was perpetually too hot. She stretched her legs towards the opposite end, resting her feet against the wall, admiring the way her toenails matched the color scheme of her cozy little bubble. She yawned and placed the open book face-down on her stomach and stretched her arms. She picked up her mug from where it sat beside her, and as she was finishing her tea, Tammy cried out in her sleep. Debbie jumped, unaccustomed to the sound, and quickly moved to Tammy’s side. She moved the collage materials aside and lay down alongside her friend. Tammy’s breathing was shallow, and she was squirming in her sleep as though trying to escape someone.

  
Deb reached out a hand gently, tentatively, and touched Tammy’s shoulder, expecting it to wake her. Instead, Tammy slapped her hand away forcefully, screaming “NO!”. Debbie frowned, not sure either what was happening or what to do. She shook Tammy’s shoulders gently and quickly while calling out her name, and withdrew quickly to avoid potential retaliation. Tammy gasped awake, eyes snapping wide open. She blinked several times to focus her eyes and remember where she was. Her heart was racing and it took her a moment to catch her breath, during which point she realized Debbie was lying on the floor across from her, staring at her with a look of concern and terror in her eyes that she tried to mask with a smile when she realized Tammy was awake.

 

“Hey…you ok?”

 

Tammy tried to play it off, hoping that Debbie would drop the subject.

 

“Yeah, of course.”

 

Debbie raised an eyebrow, skeptical.

 

“You were just screaming. And you hit me.”

 

Tammy rolled herself into a sitting position abruptly, eyes wide.

 

“Oh my god…Deb…I’m so sorry. I…God, I must have been dreaming.”

 

“So…this has happened before?”

 

“What would make you think that?”

 

“Because judging by your reaction, this has either happened before, or you were afraid it was going to.”

 

“It’s not a big deal, Deb. Don’t worry about it.”

 

“I can’t help it. Besides, we live together. I at least want to know what I’m in for.” Debbie’s tone was just on the edge of banter, but there was a genuine softness to it.

 

Tammy crossed her legs. Debbie rolled into a seated position, copying Tammy's cross-legged position. They sat facing each other in silence. Tammy started to pick at her magenta nail polish. Debbie put a hand over Tammy’s, waiting until Tammy looked her in the eye. Tammy jumped and trembled at the touch, having avoided physical contact with Debbie as much as possible after “camp.”

 

“Tam-Tam…we need to address the elephant in the room.”  Tammy blinked, trying to play dumb.

 

“Elephant? Deb…everything’s fine.”

 

“But it’s _us_. We’re supposed to be better than fine.”  Tammy inhaled deeply, let out her breath slowly.

 

“I don’t know what to say.” Debbie stood up abruptly, walking over to the window. She was trying to control her emotions, but Tammy detected the sharp intake of breath and suspected, correctly, that Debbie was on the verge of tears. “Deb…” Tammy stood, moving towards her. She gently rested a hand on Debbie’s shoulder. Debbie’s shoulders shook in a silent sob. “Debbie what’s wrong? What did I say?”

 

Debbie turned slowly around. Her eyes were red, her face tear-streaked.

 

“Why are we like this?” she asked, gesturing at the air between them. “We…used to be more than this. I still don’t understand what happened…I just…don’t understand.” The unstated meaning hung heavily in the air. _Why wasn’t I enough?_

 

Tammy stood frozen, slightly dizzy from the swirl of emotions rushing through her body. Not to mention the softness of Debbie’s skin…her warmth…the way her vanilla scented body wash mingled with the peach scent of her shampoo, the slight earthy salty scent from a light sheen of sweat. Tammy bit her lip, her eyes darkening with want, but also with something heavier. She wanted to draw back, but she couldn’t find the strength.

 

It was Debbie who stepped back. Tammy stiffened guiltily at the movement, withdrawing her hand awkwardly. There was a long, awkward silence, during which Debbie moved to the bed and dropped backward heavily onto its edge. Tammy's eyes followed Debbie's path, and she somewhat reluctantly moved to sit beside her.

 

“I’m sorry, Debbie.”

 

“It’s about your dad, right? About what happened…”

 

They’d never spoken about that night. They hadn’t spoken about anything remotely serious since Tammy had left with Randy that day in high school. Sure, they were still best friends, in their way, but they’d been distant.

 

Tammy tensed slightly, but didn’t move from the bed, which Debbie took to mean she might be able to break through. She bent down, hanging the top half of her body over the edge of the bed, rifling for something underneath. She emerged with a triumphant grin and bottle of white rum, blowing the loose hair out of her face. She offered the bottle to her younger friend, who gratefully took a swig.

 

“It is. About him, I mean.”

 

“You know…he doesn’t have to know. I mean…not that I’m saying that we should…but just, you know, if you wanna be with girls.” Debbie blushed just slightly.

 

Tammy nodded, inhaling deeply and laughing. She looked like she was about to say something more, but the words never came. She lay back across the bed. Debbie could see that the moment had passed, and flopped down beside her. “It’s not like I’m going to tell my family about it,” she added, wrinkling her nose at the prospect, “and I’m pretty sure I’m not even gay, so I can only imagine what that must be like for you.”

 

Tammy let out a deep belly laugh, a sound Debbie had missed, although it seemed a weird reaction to the situation. She didn’t think she’d said anything funny. Debbie grinned anyway, turning to face her friend. She poked Tammy’s shoulder.

 

“Hey.”

 

Tammy turned her head, rolling her body slightly towards Deb.

 

“Hey.”

 

Debbie scooted closer, their noses almost touching, Debbie’s breath tickling Tammy’s neck.

 

“We don’t have to be who they want us to.” She touched her nose to Tammy’s, eyes smiling. Tammy laughed again and wrapped her arms around Debbie, hugging her tightly.

 

“You’re ridiculous.” Debbie wriggled, hugging Tammy back once she’d freed her arms.

 

“I’ll help you, if you want.”

 

Tammy leaned her head back to look Debbie in the eye.

 

“Help me with what?”

 

“You know, getting out there. Meeting someone.”

 

Tammy nodded, laughing.

 

“Sure, ‘cuz you’re the expert,” she teased, lightly. Debbie laughed and nuzzled Tammy’s shoulder.

 

“God, I missed this.”

 

“Me too.”

\--

“Un-fucking-believable!” Tammy muttered to nobody in particular as she pushed her way into the casino bathroom, checking that she was alone before screaming “what the fuck?” into the abyss. She leaned up against the sink, staring at herself in the mirror.

 

Her hair had just been meticulously dyed a perfect, nonthreatening honey blonde, and painstakingly curled to mute the harshness of her bone structure.  The tresses brushed down a modest, well-kempt two to three inches below the line of her shoulder- not short enough to be “too gay,” not long enough to be “too granola” (verbatim her counselor’s instructions). Her eyebrows remained the same harsh, dark brown, full, but perfectly maintained, brushed, filled. Why this was necessary she had not a clue; Tammy herself thought it looked like she was wearing a Barbie wig. She looked, to herself, the same as she always had. She felt the same, too. She was just so fucking sick of fighting. She rapped long, dusty rose acrylics with gold rose embellishments against the gloomy gray marble countertop in which the sinks were housed.

 

 _Debbie…Debbie is straight. She said she was. She SWORE she was…_ In all sincerity, if she had a nickel for every time Debbie had said she was straight, Tammy would…well, she would at least have a couple bucks.

 

Truthfully, Tammy was pretty convinced that Debbie was asexual. Not that she would ever dare say that to her face. She’d just never shown any interest…

 

Tammy drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly, her knuckles white as she gripped the edge of the sink. “Come on Tamara, don’t fuck this job up,” she told the mirror image of herself with conviction. She drew her black patent pumps together in a more modest stance, straightening out her white and gold bodycon dress, Debbie’s choice for blending in. She pulled at the white shrug she’d insisted on, as though that would miraculously cause the garment to grow large enough to cover the excessive amount of exposed flesh that she was now very aware of every millimeter of. She looked herself over again in the mirror. Debbie had been right- her outfit…was not an outfit. It looked as haphazard as she felt. Which was fine to blend into this fairly run of the mill casino, there were several people around who hadn’t the fashion sense to do better. But Tammy _could_ do better. Something was just…off.

 

She was startled by the sound of someone clearing their throat behind her, and nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw that that person was Lou. She tried to play it cool, but of course was constitutionally incapable of such a thing.

 

Lou laughed at the bundle of nervous energy and awkward limbs.

 

“Hey kid.”

 

Tammy blushed furiously, fumbling with her clutch. If she hadn’t been so caught off guard, she would’ve resented the nickname.

 

“Uh, hey.”

 

“You look good. Almost didn’t recognize you.” Tammy smiled, relaxing.

 

“Me neither. Myself, I mean. Like, who is this person?” She gestured at the image of herself in the mirror.

 

Lou smirked in amusement but said nothing further. She leaned an elbow against the mirror, resting her hip against the marble of the sinks.

 

“So uh…” Tammy cleared her throat awkwardly, “you and Debbie, huh?”

 

Lou raised her eyebrows.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Funny…she didn’t mention that.”  Tammy’s brow had furrowed.

 

“That a problem, princess?” Lou teased, lightly, but there was an edge of defensiveness to her voice.

 

“N-no, no of course not, I didn’t mean it like that. I just…I’m just surprised you…got back in touch is all.”

 

Lou smiled softly, genuinely, while trying pitifully to maintain some shred of her adopted bravado. She had a difficult time holding up that façade when she was alone with Tammy, though. Something about Tammy’s energy was always too conflicted, too earnest for her to properly deceive. Although they’d only spent a brief period of time together, they understood each other implicitly in a way that neither would have been able to properly explain.

 

“Fate.” Tammy rolled her eyes.

 

“Going soft, huh?” Lou glared, half-playful and shrugged.

 

“Just no other explanation. Coincidence, if you prefer to be unromantic about it.” Tammy laughed.

 

“Well, I’m happy for you two. Truly.” Her voice was warm, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. Lou, however, didn’t notice. She’d leaned forward towards the mirror to fix her lipstick, smiling in acknowledgment of Tammy’s statement, blue eyes flickering only briefly back towards the younger woman.

 

“Thanks. Ready to get back out there?”

 

\--

 

Tammy pulled Debbie aside when Lou stepped out for a smoke.

 

“Hey so…this is…new, huh?”

 

“This?” she asked, puzzled, gesturing to their surroundings. Tammy shook her head.

 

“No, _that_ ,” she said, indicating the door that Lou had just disappeared through. Debbie blushed.

 

“Oh…uh…no, not really.”

 

“ _What?_ ” Tammy spat, louder than she’d intended, but she had no concept of volume as the only thing she could hear was her heart pounding in her ears. There was a definite edge of anger and betrayal in her tone and the way she closed herself off by crossing her arms across her chest.

 

Debbie huffed, rolling her eyes.

 

“I don’t know why you’re acting so indignant about it. You’re the one who disappeared on _me_.”

 

“You said we were past that.”

 

“We _are_ ,” she lowered her voice to barely above a whisper, “I’m just saying…and besides, why is it a big deal? And anyway, weren’t you the one who was always trying to tell me I was gay?”

 

“God, I wasn’t serious! And besides, I was a mess back then.” Debbie narrowed her eyes.

 

“Well…you know…maybe I was too, did you ever even _consider_ that, Tam?”

 

A long, tense moment of silence passed, neither woman looking at the other.

 

“You know you should be careful.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Women like that, I mean…they’ll always break your heart. They’re not built to be faithful, they get bored.” Debbie stared at Tammy, mouth agape. She was shocked that Tammy would dare make a claim like that, fuming. “Look, I’m not…just…well you’ve never really been in love before have you?” That really did it. Debbie’s face was a deep shade of red, eyes narrowed, a vein at her temple bulging slightly, hands and jaw clenched tight.

 

“No. You do _not_ get an opinion on this. Not after all this time. You don’t know _anything_ about what I’ve been through,” she growled, then stormed out the same door Lou had gone out of.

 

\--

 

Tammy got a text from Debbie’s phone. She’d gone back to her apartment immediately after Deb stormed out. She’d taken an excessively long and hot shower, as though she could scrub away everything that had happened since Debbie had showed up. She’d left her phone in the apartment, and only got around to checking it as she flopped onto her bed, still wrapped in her wet towel. She was pretty sure it would be a few days before Deb contacted her again, and she definitely knew Deb wouldn’t answer her calls until she was good and ready.

 

There were seven missed calls from Deb’s number, starting shortly after Tammy had left, ending one minute before the text message. Tammy’s heart was pounding out of her chest, anxious about the repercussions of her actions.

 

_< <think d needs u, go home. -lou>>_

Tammy read and re-read the text about fifty times, seeming to have difficulty processing the meanings of the words. She wanted to be wrong about what it said, about what the implications were. _Really fucked this one up, Tam._ She checked to see if she’d missed any voice messages, but there was nothing. Tammy wasn’t entirely surprised.

 

Groaning, she dragged her exhausted body up off the bed and pulled on a navy blue pleated skirt and baby pink cashmere sweater and string of pearls. Going home was a quite a production- her parents would certainly hear about it from some busybody or another, even if she didn’t see another living soul. Besides, it was late. She’d probably need to stay somewhere in town overnight. She hastily but skillfully pulled her hair into a sleek French braid. She considered putting on makeup, but the appropriate levels of panic and urgency were finally coursing through her body, overpowering her anxiety about appearances. She grabbed the clutch she’d carried earlier and shoved her feet into pristine bright white Keds, not bothering with socks or unlacing. She just stepped on the backs of them as she ran down and caught a cab, not having the presence of mind for any other course of action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love it? Hate it? Does the disjointed narrative flow? Let me know in the comments!


	7. Missing Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tammy begins to find out what Debbie's life was like while she was absent.

Tammy scrambled out into the church parking lot about half an hour later and ran up the hill, ignoring dirt and grass stains, sticky wet leaves, and the pain when stray gravel lodged itself in her shoe. It was early October, but there was a distinct bite to the air. She skidded to a stop when she saw something Debbie-shaped lying on her back on the grass between the stones they’d sat on that fateful night. Tammy tried to catch her breath as she walked over to her friend, which was hard because she was also half holding her breath hoping Deb was ok.

 

Debbie didn’t turn towards whoever was walking towards her, even when Tammy was close enough to be seen out of her peripheral vision. It was dark, there were only a couple of garden lights several yards off, slightly illuminating the area. Tammy held the pathetic tiny glow from her Nokia out to get a slightly better look at Debbie. She was covered in dirt for some reason, and upon closer inspection, she was snoring softly (alcohol had that effect on her). Tammy sighed, relieved, and slid down onto the low gravestone much as she had years ago. As she did, she spotted a half-shattered bottle from a 40 of whiskey by Debbie’s preferred stone. After taking in the scene for a moment, she knelt down next to Debbie and stroked her cheek softly.

 

“Come on, you dork, wake up.” Her voice was gentle but insistent. Debbie had never been one to sleep heavily, except one time when she had the flu. True to form, she stirred, blinked. Her eyes mostly focused on Tammy, but she was definitely very drunk.

 

“What’re you doing here?” she slurred.

 

“Your girlfriend was worried.” Debbie blinked, processing the information.

 

“How’d she know I was here?” Tammy shrugged.

 

“She just told me to ‘go home,’ so I’m not sure exactly where she thought you were.”

 

Debbie nodded, starting to doze again. 

 

“No, no. Deb, come on, let’s get you out of here. Do you want to go to your parents’?”

 

Debbie shook her head violently at that, eyes wide.

 

“I can’t go back there! You can’t make me!” she screamed, sobbing.

 

“Whoa—hey, okay, sweetie. It’s okay. Nobody’s making you do anything.” Tammy pulled Debbie into her arms, rubbing her back gently. Tammy clearly had missed some major Ocean drama if Debbie was this traumatized at the prospect of going home. “Umm…here…how about we stop at the diner and get you come coffee and water, sober up a bit, and then I’ll take you back to my place. Is that okay? Or do you want to go home to Lou?”

 

“No…don’t want her to see me like this,” she said, mostly to Tammy’s chest. Tammy helped the taller woman up and they walked the few blocks to the diner, Tammy half-carrying Debbie.  Although Debbie was taller, she had always been smaller, lighter. However, Tammy hadn’t noticed until she felt Deb’s ribs poking into her that she had lost a fairly significant amount of weight.

 

They sat in a diner booth for a long time. It was in just close enough proximity to the highway to be open at nearly all hours, which was fortunate at this particular moment. Debbie tended to be an overly serious drunk, and she’d spend the majority of her energy in trying to keep up appearances and formulate coherent sentences. But right now, she just sat, seeming to be staring at her reflection in the cup of black coffee she was nursing. Tammy stirred cream into her coffee slowly, watching her friend.

 

“Debbie.” Deb looked up with only her eyes, her hair falling forward in her face. Tammy pushed a few strands back behind Debbie’s ears to get a better look at her face. “What happened tonight?” Debbie scoffed.

 

“You shouldn’t have said those things.” Tammy nodded.

 

“I can see that, and I’m sorry,” Tammy sighed. “You were right, the other day. I checked out on you. I didn’t know you needed me.” Debbie sniffled, trying to hide in her hair again.

 

“It’s fine.”

 

“It’s not, and I want to fix it.”

 

The silence that ensued was difficult- uncomfortably tense but also somewhat hopeful. Once Debbie had sufficiently rehydrated and caffeinated, they got a cab back to Tammy’s apartment. Debbie slept the entire way, bathed in moonlight and a light, glistening sheen of sweat- the warm, slightly damp sleep of a toddler taking a summer nap. She kept her fingers loosely interlaced with Tammy’s as she slept. Upon arriving at Tammy’s, Debbie woke only halfway, enough to be guided into Tammy’s bed, where she passed the remainder of the night in the same fashion. Tammy sat watching her from across the room and played nurse, repaying Debbie in part for all of the many times that Debbie’d done the same for her.

 

Debbie had always been so measured and maternal despite being only slightly older and having what Tammy perceived as extremely limited life experience. Still, despite being a novel experience, everything about doing this for Debbie felt natural. Holding her hair back, forcing her to drink water, making sure she took preemptive painkillers. This was only a brief moment, a few hours, but Tammy had never taken care of anyone before- she could barely take care of herself. There was something about it that made her feel stronger, more valuable. More in control.

 

Tammy went about her modified routine, the way that she had during freshman year. She laid out a new outfit for the morning and removed her makeup meticulously. She put her dirty clothes into dark and light lidded hampers in her immaculately organized closet, making sure to fully close the door afterwards. She set her hair in rollers and performed an elaborate skincare routine, like a consummate fifties housewife.

 

She then went to the kitchen, carefully measuring the appropriate amount of coffee grounds into a reusable coffee filter. She double checked the time programmed into her Mr. Coffee, 6:00 a.m. She also double checked that her refrigerator was stocked appropriately for hosting a guest, which it always was. Not that she had many guests. She found it easier not to see other people for the most part when she wasn’t working.

 

\--

 

Several years back, Tammy’s mother had begun to teach her how to fence. It wasn’t something that Tammy had ever noticed that her mother did- and certainly something that her father knew nothing about. He was the type of person who was generally oblivious to material possessions and their costs. He had a hideous green upholstered recliner from the 70’s and a partially rusted Pepsi wastebasket in the den, a walnut end table and lamp in the shape of a Packard. Other than those four possessions and the television that they pointed towards, everything else was sheer feminine frivolity.

 

However, it was frivolity which he certainly expected for his wife to curate and maintain, despite his lack of awareness regarding the value of money. Shopping was for women, why would he need to trouble himself about it? The books always balanced. As far as he was concerned, his wife was just a silly woman with delusions of independence who had therefore taken up a job as a buyer for a high-end department store. His wife needed go to no great pains to hide her conduct, there was no simply no scrutiny to avoid.

 

Evelyn had been fencing for the Ocean family since shortly before Tammy was born. Her father had been a successful businessman from a prominent family who also fenced for the Oceans, providing her both the connections and the know-how. As a result, it had only seemed natural that Tammy continue the line.

 

Tammy had fenced for Debbie for a brief time after college, mostly because Debbie was trying to motivate her to stay clean and focused on something. It was only for jobs Debbie ran herself, very small scale. It had worked for a while, until Tammy had truly hit rock bottom. After she got clean, she’d worked with Danny exclusively, swearing him to secrecy. According to Danny, Deb hadn’t been using her own network as much since she’d found a new partner. In retrospect, she should’ve asked questions. Maybe then things wouldn’t have been this complicated.

 

\--

 

Tammy woke up two minutes before her 5:30 alarm. She had gotten no more than two and a half hours of sleep. She got up, put her face on, unpinned her hair, and dressed. Debbie was, of course, still fast asleep after all of this. Tammy got herself a cup of coffee and set about making muffins. In this midst of this, she picked up her landline and dialed Danny. She’d been debating calling since the previous night, but decided it was worth them both being mad at her- she had to know what was going on.

 

The phone rang three times before Danny answered gruffly, clearly having been deeply asleep.

 

“Tamara, what in the world are you calling me about at this ungodly hour?”

 

“Your dear baby sister.”

 

“What happened? Is she ok? What did they do?” His questions came loudly and in rapid succession, words running into one another almost nonsensically. Ordinarily, Danny would have said something snarky before getting serious, further evidence that something serious had gone down.

 

“They who? Your parents? What the heck is going on?” She her Danny grunt, clearly sitting up.

 

“What do you know?”

 

“Nothing, Danny, I don’t know anything. All I know is that Lou was freaking out and I had to drag dead drunk Debbie out of the cemetery at this morning. And that she absolutely didn’t want to go to your parents’ house.”

 

Danny exhaled thoughtfully, weighing the options.

 

“She’s going to kill me if I tell you. On the other hand, if I don’t, she might kill herself, the way she’s going.”

 

“Damnit Danny, just tell me already. She’s probably going to wake up soon.”

 

“Fine.”

 

-

 

Lou and Debbie had been together for just over a year when it happened. They’d been running jobs together for most of that time. Lou, it turned out, had a number of less-than-legitimate contacts and a fair number of small jobs under her belt- primarily rigging games and liberating items from wealthy party patrons. She’d never told Debbie how she’d gotten into that life, nor had Debbie thought to ask. She only knew that Lou tried to limit her criminal endeavors, only engaging in them when she was low on funds.

 

It was a dark October night. The couple were riding on Lou’s bike back to their recently-acquired Brooklyn apartment- so located due to club Lou had found a permanent job managing. Debbie always found her lover’s insistence on maintaining a semi-legitimate job endearing.  A few miles out from the apartment, they noticed someone tailing them. Debbie clung more tightly to Lou’s waist, anxious. She had some inkling she knew who owned that Beemer, and this was not about to end well. She pressed into Lou’s right side in a particular way they’d determined to indicate that they should pull off when there was cover.

 

Lou pulled off the main drag into a small alley too small for a car to fit. The two crouched behind a dumpster, Lou giving Debbie a questioning look. Debbie instantly knew she’d made a grave mistake.

 

“LOU! GET DOWN!” Debbie dove in front of her as a wannabe-mafioso fired on them from the other side of the chain-link fence marking the end of the alleyway before running off. The entire scene happened so quickly that neither woman could be sure of its consequences immediately.

 

“Debs…” Lou gasped, dialing 911 without hesitation. She shucked her jacket and pulled off her shirt while providing their location to the dispatcher. She pressed her shirt into Debbie’s lower abdomen, where she’d been hit. The adrenaline was keeping Lou’s emotions mostly at bay, fortunately, and Debbie was in such a totally state of shock that she had no idea what was happening.

-

When Carl and Vivienne Ocean arrived at the hospital, Debbie had just been brought out of a 14-hour surgery. They were, of course, immaculately dressed, not a hair out of place. Lou had called Danny immediately, given that he was the only member of the Ocean family she’d met. He’d arrived within a few hours, immediately driving up from Atlantic City.

 

Danny pulled his parents aside before they had the chance to step into the room.

 

“Pop, what the hell is going on?” he whispered angrily.

 

 “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

 

“Don’t give me that bullshit. She saw Dominic’s license plate. What happened not hurting people?”

 

“I certainly did not put out a hit on my own daughter, don’t be ridiculous. And you know Dominic plays the field.”

 

“So you’re not denying that you put a hit out on someone?”

 

“Daniel, this is not the place nor the time for this conversation.”

 

“She doesn’t want to see you, and whatever stunt you’re trying to pull is definitely not going to pay off.”

 

“I resent the implication. It certainly is no business of ours whether our less sophisticated friends have a score to settle with a certain Australian grifter, now is it? Who am I to interfere with their vendetta?” Danny groaned. Of course his father would have a hand in literally everything happening in the entire Tri-State area. And of course he know who Lou was- and who she was to Debbie. Danny arched his eyebrow, skeptical. Two could play at this game.

 

“So you put your own daughter in danger to help people you hate?” It was Vivienne who replied this time.

 

“I’m not certain whether I have a daughter. It’s not as though she tells us anything about her life.”

 

“Then why are you here?”

 

“To make her choose,” Carl stated firmly, “Deborah’s conduct is unbecoming and reckless.”

 

“You don’t want to do that.”

 

“Why is that?” Carl asked, mirroring his son’s earlier gruff skepticism, bristling at being told what to do.

 

“You’re going to lose. And she’s not awake yet anyway. If that’s the only reason you’re here, you might as well just come back in the morning. Or, better yet, never. Leave Debbie alone.”

 

-

 

Tammy half-fell onto a kitchen chair, stunned.

 

“You should’ve told me.”

 

“You were very clear that you didn’t want to know anything about her. And she was very clear that she didn’t want you to know about this.”

 

“This is different! She almost fucking died, Danny!”

 

“Yeah, I know,” he growled, with no malice, only frustration.

 

“Did you ever find out why your dad did that? Or what exactly he did?” Danny laughed.

 

“That’s a good one.”

 

“Danny, is it because of Lou? You know, because she’s…?”

 

“Your guess is as good as mine, but Lou was definitely the target.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, that was a lot. I'm feeling pretty iffy about this chapter- it definitely felt like a risk. Let me know if it worked in the comments, if you can?


	8. Muffins, Pop Tarts, & Marshmallows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little lightness in the wake of Debbie's revelation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry sorry for the delay in updating, I've had a few quite delightful things going on in my life at the moment, so I've been a bit distracted. The next one should have more substance, and hopefully won't take as long to post! As always, please comment if you're able, it really makes the writing bit easier for me. <3

Just as Tammy was pulling the muffins from the oven, she heard Debbie stumble and the bathroom door slam. She contemplated whether to wait or enter as she filled a glass with water and retrieved an appropriate dose of painkillers. Debbie swung the bathroom door open unceremoniously just as Tammy was moving to check on her. Tammy stopped in the middle of the bedroom where she was. Debbie leaned up against the doorframe as though she lacked both the volition and ability to hold herself up. She looked like she wanted to say something, or rather wanted to convey something without having to fuss with words. In their younger years, Tammy might’ve been able to decode at least some of what Debbie wanted her to know, but they’d been too far removed for too many years.

 

Tammy closed the remaining distance to hand Debbie the water and capsules, which she obediently took.

 

“How are you feeling?” Debbie glared.

 

“Wonderful. Amazing. Never better.”

 

“Can we talk about it?” Debbie sighed.

 

“Later.”

 

“Ok, well. The towel on the door is for you. You can use the red toothbrush. It’s new. I’m making breakfast. Feel free to borrow anything that fits.” Debbie nodded once, turning on her heel.

 

“Hey Deb?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I’m really sorry.”

 

“Okay.”

 

\--

 

Debbie had awakened after surgery to harsh fluorescent lights and the sharp smell of disinfectant. She stretched slightly, feeling the sharp pull of stitches in her lower abdomen, and one of her hands felt trapped. As her eyes adjusted, she could make out Lou’s hand holding fast to her own, although Lou had fallen asleep. Debbie smiled as she tried to extricate her hand from the dead weight, her hand and wrist having been stuck in the same position for far too long. Lou whimpered as Debbie moved. Deb frowned slightly but relented, allowing their hands to stay entwined, but shifting them slightly for a little relief.

 

Debbie scanned the room, memories of the attack flooding back in a blur. Spotting Danny, curled up in a chair in the far corner, she relaxed slightly.

 

“Psst. Danny!” Danny grumbled, stretching his legs out.

 

“Deb? You’re awake?” he asked, jolting awake.

 

“How long has it been? What day is it? What’s going on?”

 

“Well you were in surgery about 14 hours…then…hm. It’s been about two, two and a half days? You’ve been in and out over the past few hours, but mostly pretty loopy.”

 

“You guys look like shit.”

 

“Gee, thanks. She wouldn’t have left your side for a second, you know. Just getting her to go to the bathroom was hard enough.”

 

Debbie smiled softly, brushing Lou’s hair out of her face. She took in the fine blue thumbprint-shaped marks below Lou’s eyes, the dark bags surrounding them, the small bump on her nose, the furrow of her brow. She traced her index finger around one of Lou’s ears, over her jawline, to her chin.

 

“I know. Has she been eating?” Her voice was uncharacteristically soft.

 

“I tried to convince her. Your woman is living on juice and those gross cheese cracker peanut butter sandwich things.”

 

“Ah, yes. Lest I forget I am in love with a toddler.”

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“Oh you know, awesome. Nothing like a gunshot to make you feel alive.” Danny whistled.

 

“Ha ha, very funny.”

 

“Dad come by?”

 

“Yeah, don’t worry. I sent them away.”

 

“Them?”

 

“He came with Mom, of course. I’m sure she made him.” Debbie frowned.

 

“Do you think she was involved?”

 

“Honestly? I can never tell anymore.” He had been able to tell by his mother’s cool demeanor that she’d been aware of the plot, but he also knew that Debbie was deeply attached to her. He didn’t see any reason to break her heart further at the moment- he’d still just barely gotten his baby sister back.

 

“Danny, did he say anything? And don’t fucking bullshit me. I’m an adult.”

 

“Deb, I swear I’ll tell you everything I know, but it isn’t much. I know Pops knew what was going on, but I really can’t tell if it was his doing. What I _do_ know is that they weren’t after you. Whatever’s going on, it has Lou’s name all over it.”

 

“Fuck.”

 

“Wait- did you know something was coming? What the fuck, Debbie? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“Danny…” she warned.

 

“No, Deborah. You’re not getting out of this. What is going on?” Debbie shook her head, pointing at Lou.

 

“If she hears anything, she’ll kill me,” she whispered.

 

\--

 

Debbie emerged from the shower just as Tammy was sliding bacon and eggs onto a plate at the second place setting at the immaculately set table. To the left of the plate, there was a smaller plate containing a muffin, and to the right a glass of orange juice and mug of coffee.

 

“Wow. You…uh, really went all out, huh?” Tammy shot her a look.

 

“Not all of us can live off of pop tarts and marshmallows.”

 

“We’re lazy, sue us.” Debbie caught herself speaking in the plural and blushed, nibbling the end of a strip of bacon before actually sitting properly at the table.

 

“Lazy and genetically superior, apparently,” Tammy added, an eyebrow raised.

 

“Whatever, I need it. I can’t cook, you know that.” The two women shared a warm smile before breaking out laughing.

 

“All right, that’s fair.”

 

The two women ate in silence for a few minutes.

 

“Tammy?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“What the hell happened last night?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Why did you say those things about Lou?” Tammy twisted off a piece of a muffin between her fingers, rolling into a loose ball before popping it into her mouth, chewing slowly. She took a sip of juice before finally answering.

 

“I…didn’t realize how long you had been together. I don’t know. I guess…I just…”

 

“Don’t say you wanted to protect me.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Because that’s crap.”

 

“Debbie…”

 

“No. You’re the one who wanted to talk, so talk.”

 

“Deb…I just…it was a lot, ok? It was a lot for me…you, not being straight. I didn’t know how to wrap my head around it.” Tammy could see the rage building in Debbie’s eyes. “Look, it wasn’t fair of me. You’ve always been so supportive of me, of anything I ever wanted or needed to do…it’s not…I’m not being homophobic or anything it’s just…well, you were very convincing. I was just surprised and I handled it terribly. I’m sorry.”

 

“Ok, sure, but I don’t understand why you were so emotional about it. Were you jealous?” It sounded like their usual banter, but the way the air hung heavily between them indicated this was anything but. Debbie had long learned to utilize tone and language in ambiguous ways, in order to guard herself from the embarrassment of being wrong.

 

Tammy sighed heavily.

 

“Deb, it really doesn’t matter anymore,” Tammy said, getting up, restless. She started scrubbing the muffin tin manically.

 

“Anymore? What do you mean ‘anymore’?”

 

“Look…I just, we had a moment once. A few moments, really. But they passed, and you said you were straight. We’re just always missing each other…I don’t know, maybe you never felt that way about me anyway. But even as friends…we’re just…always on different pages. I’m happy that you’re happy, and I’m sorry I couldn’t see how perfect you were for each other…”

 

Debbie narrowed her eyes, suspicious.

 

“Who have you been talking to?”

 

“What? Nobody.”

 

“TamTam…”

 

“Ok, fine, I called your brother.”

 

“WHAT? Why?”

 

“Because I was fucking worried about you. Debbie Ocean does not get hammered in a cemetery when there’s a job to re-plan.”

 

“Damnit, Tammy.”

 

“What? Why didn’t you want me to know you got shot?”

 

“Oh, sure, because you tell me everything. There are literally years of your life that you are apparently never going to tell me about. And you could’ve just fucking asked me what you missed.”

 

“Listen, Deb, I just…I needed to know what was going on, and you were passed out. Plus, I’ve been working with Danny for years. It’s not that weird. I’m sorry I made him lie to you, but honestly, aren’t I still family?”

 

Debbie closed her eyes and massaged her temples slowly. She pinched the bridge of her nose, letting out a slow exhale. When she spoke, her voice was eerily calm and calculated.

 

“I am so mad at you that I literally don’t know what to say.”

 

“I know. But I’m not sorry that I called him. Are you okay?”

 

“Of course I’m not okay!” Debbie snapped, “Somebody is still trying to kill the woman I love and my family is involved in it somehow, not to mention that my parents hate me, and you’re mad about Lou…I don’t know what to do anymore, Tam, and I can’t talk to Lou about it. She won’t tell me anything and she hates it when I worry…not to mention that she freaks out any time I leave home without her…I can’t live like this for much longer, Tammy, I just can’t.”

 

Tammy put the half-scrubbed tin down in the sink, drying of her hands and moving to Debbie. This was what she was looking for, and it was good to know that she still knew how to push Debbie’s buttons this way. Debbie had a horrible habit of suppressing all of her emotions, and this entire situation was way too much for anyone to bear. It made sense she’d chosen now to seek Tammy out, she was literally on the verge of breaking. It broke Tammy’s heart to know she’d been so oblivious to what Debbie had been going though, that Debbie hadn’t fully trusted her with her anxieties.

 

\--

 

When Danny stepped out to call Tess a couple of hours later, Debbie gently stroked Lou’s hair, pushing a few stray strands out of her face. She gently kissed the tip of Lou’s nose.  Lou stirred groggily, blinking several times as she stretched her arms. Suddenly, she shook her head, as though clearing the fog of sleep and recalling the events of the past couple days. Slowly, she turned her head to look at Debbie, eyes filling instantly with tears.

 

“You’re awake!”

 

“Yup, not dead yet.” Lou gently smacked her arm before hugging her tightly and peppering her face with rough yet delicate kisses, almost like and over-eager puppy. “Whoa, hey, I’m ok.”

 

Lou buried her face in Debbie’s shoulder.

 

“God, love, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

 

“What? Why are you sorry? What are you talking about? I made a bad call. And my dad is an ass. It’s not your fault.”  Lou’s face grew stony, eerily still.

 

“Debbie…”

 

“No. Stop. This wasn’t your fault.”

 

Lou rolled her eyes dramatically, but let it go, at least for the moment. There wasn’t any sense in stressing Debbie now, when she’d so narrowly survived the ordeal. Besides, Lou was pretty sure she knew exactly who was responsible for this hit, and they would certainly get theirs for putting Debbie at risk. There was, after all, a strict code of conduct even to being a criminal. Even at her lowest, nothing Lou had ever done would remotely have provided sufficient justification for putting her “family” in danger. Debbie was all that Lou had in that department, after all, and it was very clear that she was off limits. Lou would certainly never do anything that would put Debbie in danger, it wasn’t in her nature.

 

\--

 

Debbie and Tammy, although not what they once were, fell back into an easy rhythm with one another after their fight over breakfast. They curled around each other on the couch, watching reruns of the Golden Girls and reminiscing about bygone days. It was beyond pleasant. Unfortunately for Lou, Tammy and Debbie’s friendship had never learned to accommodate either woman having a serious romantic partner, which meant that neither of the two remembered to let Lou know that everything was okay. It didn’t help, either, that Tammy had forgotten her cell in the car.

 

Later on in the afternoon, the sound of someone insistently leaning on the buzzer broke the two women out of their peaceful reverie. Debbie jumped, panicked.

 

“Oh shit.”

 

Tammy blinked somewhat lazily, having half-way dozed off to the soothing feeling of Debbie’s fingers in her hair. (She wouldn’t have let just anyone touch her elaborately styled mane, but Debbie would always be special.)

 

“What’s going on?”

 

“Shit, fuck. I should’ve called her…” Tammy’s eyes blinked into full focus as she pulled herself to her feet.

 

“Oh. God. I forgot. I can’t believe I forgot. Deb, I’m so sorry.”

 

“No, no. Tam, it’s fine. You…didn’t know it was…you don’t know what the situation is, okay? It’s okay. We just…have been going through a lot of shit, and I just. I need to go. I’m sorry.”

 

Tammy’s hand hovered over the button to let Lou into the building and Debbie gave her a warning glance. Tammy held her own, not succumbing to the brunette’s silent threat, and pressed the button. Instantly, they could hear the outer door, then the inner door slam shut and Lou’s footsteps. Debbie narrowed her eyes at Tammy, mouthing “don’t you dare,” as Tammy made her way over to the door. Tammy unbolted the locks, mouthing in return, “I’m sorry.” As soon as the door opened a crack, Lou charged into the room frantically, looking for Debbie. Finding Debbie standing by the door, dirty clothes in hand, she shot a questioning look back at Tammy, turning the same gaze slowly back to Deb.

 

“Somebody want to tell me what’s going on here?”

 

Debbie took a small step in Lou’s direction, reaching for her hand.

 

“Lou, baby, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I just, I was really wasted and I just…forgot to call you. There was a lot going on and-”

 

Lou turned her gaze back to Tammy.

 

“Do you ever answer your phone?” Tammy looked confused, then looked over to the spot where she ordinarily kept her cell.

 

“Oh my God. I must not have brought it in…I’m so sorry, that was really stupid.”

 

Lou sighed, trying to release the rage that her anxieties had suddenly morphed into.

 

“You two are going to kill me, I swear to God.”

 

Lou dropped onto the couch, and Debbie instantly moved to her, softly reassuring her. Tammy went about tidying up invisible messes to give the lovers some privacy.

 

Lou nuzzled Deb’s neck with her nose, not so much in a sexual way as the frantic way of a young toddler seeking comfort.

 

“I was so worried about you.” Debbie wrapped her arms around the taller woman, pressing a series of firm, tender kisses along her jawline and at the tender spot beneath her ear.

 

“I know baby. But it’s okay. Nothing happened other than that I was an idiot.” From the way that Debbie’s fingers masterfully caressed Lou’s shoulders, the nape of Lou’s neck, trailed through her hair, it was clear that this was somewhat of a routine for the pair. Once Lou had been sufficiently reassured, she went in the bathroom to pull herself together. Tammy peeked back in on Debbie, who beckoned her closer with the flick of a finger. Tammy obediently came over and perched on the arm of the sofa next to Deb.

 

“I’m sorry. She’s having a really hard time, we’re really trying to work on it. But ever since I got shot, she just…gets like this. I mean…I get it, I’d be that way, too, if the roles were reversed. I just.”

 

“No, no. Don’t apologize, Debbie, really. I get it. I mean, I didn’t even know until today and I’m still tempted to never let you out of my sight again.” Debbie rolled her eyes, laughing softly.

 

“Oh my God, don’t tell me I have to put up with two of you now.” Tammy grinned.

 

“Why would I tell you? It seems like you already know.”

 

Debbie smacked Tammy with a throw pillow to the gut so hard that she was trying to walk it off, gasping for breath, when Lou reemerged. Both Tammy and Debbie were also laughing, though, like the not-so-covertly troublemaking Sunday School students they’d once been. Lou smiled, laughing almost under her breath.

 

“I’m not even going to ask.”

 


	9. Hurt, pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> starting with the prison incident, the beginning of a look back over some of Debbie's darker tendencies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: discussion of self-harm
> 
> Sorry! I know it has been a thousand years, and this isn't as long as I was hoping, but it also seemed like a good place to break. I'm sorry I don't have more to offer yet after such a long hiatus, but I'm doing the best I can :/
> 
> Just as a reminder, this is backstory! Things will get better! 
> 
> The tone and content here feels really different to me, let me know if it worked? <3

It hadn’t been out of a desire to self-harm, Debbie told herself, although she’d be lying if she said those thoughts hadn’t plagued her throughout most of her life. Or even in that particular moment. There was something extremely satisfying about the conversion of some portion of her invisible emotional torment into a physical injury that needed to be tended to- she’d learned many times over that emotional pain felt, comparatively, impossible to remedy. Particularly when the sources of said pain were undeniably mistakes that she had made. Bad ones.

 

But no, this time she had mostly injured herself in order to get one of her particularly obnoxious cell mates out of her hair, and to get a bit of privacy. Although, once in solitary, she found that she had no idea why she’d wanted this. At least in the general population there were distractions…

 

Which was how found herself planning the riskiest job she could possibly conceive of. It started out as a puzzle, something to keep her mind occupied. To be fair, she’d been thinking about it periodically since she’d been locked up, but it was really in solitary that she became obsessed. Sure, maybe she still hadn’t quite decided that actually wanted to go through with it…

 

In retrospect, she’d never thought that she’d be able to pull it off without Lou, although initially, as an intellectual exercise, she’d conceived of the plan with unidentified people. Sure, women, that much she was already decided on. But it wasn’t until she really got down into the nitty gritty little details of the scheme that it hit her: this would actually be impossible without Lou’s help.

 

\--

 

There had been a breakdown in communication. That was what Debbie said when she showed up at Tammy’s apartment with an overstuffed black leather overnight bag that had obviously been packed quite haphazardly. The zipper was caught on the sleeve of a button-down shirt that had no business being shoved into such a bag in the first place. It was pretty clear that at most there was a change of clothes, a pair of heels, and what looked like a photo frame pressing up against the side of the bag.

 

Tammy had, of course, ushered her often overdramatic friend inside without a second thought and held her for a long moment, wordlessly, until Deb’s jaw unclenched just slightly. Enough that Tammy could tell she felt safe enough to be fully vulnerable. Despite the clattering chaos of her arrival and the obnoxious way she’d pounded on Tammy’s door, she’d presented herself with the same cool, disaffected air as always. And snarky, of course. Always that.

 

Although partway through her second glass of wine Debbie had started crying, she’d remained tight-lipped about whatever had happened. This was pretty typical, but still concerning. It signaled, generally, that Debbie had done something she shouldn’t have and she knew it.

 

-

 

The first time that Tammy had experienced Debbie’s cycle of self-loathing had been when the girls were about ten years old. At that point, neither had fully come to grasp what it was that the Oceans did, still living out a weird idyllic suburban church nerd fantasy. Thievery was in her blood, though, it seemed.  She’d been caught stealing money from the church- or rather, it had been discovered that _someone_ in her Sunday school class had done so. Debbie, always charismatic, had convinced the teacher that Michael, an awkward, nerdy kid who had a crush on her had done the deed. It had seemed harmless enough at the time, but Michael’s parents did not tolerate any sort of misconduct from their son. Needless to say, Debbie learned quickly that she was highly susceptible to guilt. And that she needed to choose her targets more carefully. Of course, part of Deb’s inner turmoil stemmed from what she perceived to be a strong moral code that her family abided by.

 

Michael had shown up to church a few days later with a few haphazardly covered bruises, quieter than usual. Tammy observed that Deb’s demeanor quickly shifted in his presence. The two girls had briefly overheard him confiding in the youth pastor about what his father had done, and Tammy had never seen the color drain from Debbie’s face in quite that way before. She withdrew into herself, the way she did years later when Tammy went off to “camp.”

 

The cycle went like this: Debbie would feel uncomfortable in her own skin, usually because she felt she didn’t deserve something that she had. Then she would do a bad thing that she knew was unjustifiably bad. Then she would shut herself off from the world, suddenly silent and stiff even around Tammy. In younger years, such as the Michael fiasco, she would flinch if Tammy so much as touched her. Deb was always fairly jumpy when it came to physical contact, other than with Tammy. Even Danny had to ask permission to enter her personal space- which he did gladly (having more love and respect for his sister than anyone else, in addition to his fierce protective instincts).

 

The Michael incident was also when Tammy became aware of Debbie’s tendency towards self-harm. The practice, at that young age, was not something that she’d come to ritualize, not yet. But she became much less concerned with taking care of herself, much less attentive in general.

 

It started out small- nothing that even a careful observer would have picked up on. Of course, that wasn’t Tammy’s experience in the slightest. (To be perfectly honest, it was the first time that Tammy realized she noticed everything when it came to Debbie.) In any event, it had started out with small things- slamming her fingers in her desk, seemingly accidentally, but with great frequency. Pulling out her hair when she thought nobody was looking. Making herself bleed while lacing needles through the outermost layer of skin on her palms- something she had never hurt herself doing any of the dozens of times she’d done it before.

 

After that, Tammy was much more vigilant about Debbie’s actions. Well, to a certain point. She was much more vigilant about Debbie’s behavior when she knew that Deb had done something that she felt shame about, particularly if she had hurt another person.

 

For example, Tammy would probably never know the way that Debbie had hurt when Tammy disappeared off to camp that one summer. Or for that matter, the way that Deb had beat herself up specifically with regard to the kiss they had shared in the cemetery.  Although she could connect the dots enough in retrospect to understand that perhaps it had contributed to Debbie’s insistence that she was straight, but even so.

 

-

 

Tammy stilled Debbie’s hands as she set her glass down, reaching for the bottle to refill it. Even with Tammy holding onto her hands, Debbie’s hands trembled. Tammy ran her thumb over the back of Debbie’s hand, trying to comfort her. Debbie tried to withdraw her hand violently, but Tammy’s long, elegant fingers held fast to her friend’s weathered, sturdy hand with surprising strength and agility.

 

“Deb,” she said shortly, assertively. She waited a long moment for Debbie to meet her gaze before continuing. “Deb, what did you do?”

 

Debbie uncharacteristically shrank under the force of Tammy’s penetrating stare. Tammy wasn’t entirely surprised- it had become blatantly obvious that Lou was **_the one_**. That was probably what had sparked this whole episode, in fact. Even without knowing the specifics, she knew that Debbie had done something very stupid in an effort to push Lou away. It had obviously worked, or she wouldn’t be here. Or she would have at least packed properly.

 

Tammy gingerly led Debbie into her bedroom, helping her to sit on the pink velvet upholstered bench at the foot of her bed. She pulled out a canvas pouch from the bottom drawer of her vanity, setting it down beside Debbie, before pulling over the stool from the vanity and settling directly in front of the older woman.

 

“Do I need to undress you or are you going to show me?”

 

Debbie shrank into herself slightly more, protectively pulling her black satin duster around her more closely. She sighed, then drew in a deep breath and stood up shakily. She let the jacket fall into a shiny puddle on the floor. At first, Tammy couldn’t exactly tell what she was looking at. Deb was only wearing a sheer crimson lace bodycon dress beneath the jacket, in addition to matching underwear. However, what had appeared to be stripes on the sleeves on first glance were actually smudged, half-dried lines of blood. Once she had determined this much she sighed and moved to Debbie, helping her to remove the dress so she could get a better look. She led Debbie into the bathroom, taking a clean red washcloth from its dedicated pouch in the back of her linen closet on the way. Once she had determined that Deb’s injuries were primarily on her upper arms and shoulders, she started running a bath for her and set about cleaning them up.

 

“Only one of these looks like it’ll need help to close up…” Tammy said with a soft smile, lifting Deb’s chin to catch her eye. Debbie’s eyes were brimming with tears, but she’d mostly stopped shaking for the moment. She lowered her eyes.

 

“Thank you, Tam. Really. You’re too good to me. I don’t deserve you.”

 

Tammy kissed Debbie’s forehead.

 

“Don’t say that. Just tell me what happened.”

 

Debbie sighed heavily.

 

“I fucked up.”

 

“Yeah, I can tell. But I mean- in what way?  What did you do?”

 

Deb raised her eyebrow. Tammy sighed, rolling her eyes.

 

“You know what I mean. Before this-“ she said, gesturing in Deb’s direction.

 

“She’s…I…” Deb stammered. Tammy’s brow furrowed.

 

“You didn’t actually…hurt her? Like physically? That doesn’t sound like you.”

 

Debbie’s eyes widened.

 

“No, no! God, no. I could never.” Tammy let out the breath she hadn’t known that she was holding, slowly.

 

“Okay, good. Now…what is it that you _did_ do?”

 

“I uh…kind of…slept with someone…else.” Tammy inhaled slowly and exhaled with a slight whistle.

 

“Oh, Debbie…”

 

“I know.” Tammy adjusted the water temperature and added bubbles carefully.

 

“Tell me it wasn’t that redhead from the club?” Deb shook her head.

 

“It’s…worse than that.”

 

“Oh?” Tammy asked, eyebrow cocked.

 

“It was…well, it was a man, first of all. And he’s...”

 

Tammy put her hands up.

 

“I don’t want to know. It doesn’t matter, does it? I mean…you just slept together, right?”

 

Debbie was instantly uncomfortable, visibly so.

 

“Uh…”

 

Tammy set her jaw, taking a moment to calm herself. Yelling at Debbie in this moment was not going to help anyone.

 

“How long?”

 

“A couple of months.”

 

“Why?”

 

“What’s with the twenty questions?” Tammy stood up, shutting off the tap.

 

“You know what, you’re right. Get in. If I leave you in here on your own, will you be okay?” Debbie was no longer shaking, but neither was she yet eerily calm. She slid into the bath, which was exactly the right temperature. She seemed…almost like normal Debbie. Debbie moved not too quickly, not too slowly. Tammy smiled, slid her fingers over Deb’s jaw, giving a playful tug at her chin, causing Deb to crack a small smile. “Okay, I’ll be back in a bit.”

 

\--

 

 

 

 


	10. Comfort, pt. I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tammy checks up on Lou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit lighter than the previous, but there's still much to explore re: what Debbie's done. I thought tiny lift would be helpful- let me know if you agree! Planning to dive more into Deb/Lou interactions in the next chapter. 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this story- it means a lot! I appreciate all of the kudos and comments a great deal. Please keep the comments coming! They really help me out a lot.

Tammy wasn’t exactly sure how she had found herself between Deb and Lou at the lowest point in their relationship. She didn’t even know Lou all that well, although this many years on, that was probably a silly point to argue. Nonetheless, it wouldn’t have felt right to choose a side. Besides, it wasn’t like they were actually actively fighting. Rather, both of them seemed to be utterly coming apart at the seams. And, unfortunately for Tammy, neither of the two of them was good at keeping people close. Well, other than Tammy, at least. Their inner circle essentially consisted of Danny and Rusty, who were not really very helpful when it came to relationships. Or women in general.

 

It wasn’t that Tammy herself was actually any good at relationships in her own life. She’d never exactly taken the time to find out. When she’d been younger, mostly she’d been in short term relationships with women that had never really been headed anywhere- by design. More recently, she’d taken to seeing men exclusively. And one man in particular- whom she intended to marry. Sure, other people thought she lived some sort of charmed life, that her fiancé was perfect, that they were happy. And to an extent they were- just not necessarily because of their relationship. They were close, of course, they made fine friends. It wasn’t exactly rational, but Tammy more than anything wanted for her sexuality to not be a topic of discussion anymore, and this seemed as good a way as any to get people to stop talking.

 

As far as Lou and Debbie were concerned, though, her expertise did not come from her own romantic life or lack thereof. She just knew her friends extremely well and understood their tendencies implicitly. At least, that was usually the case. Debbie could, from time to time, surprise her. But even in those cases, she would pick up on the fact that something was wrong. She would also often know the consequences before she could fully get a grasp on the bigger picture. It was basic triage, really, something that Tammy has always just instinctively had a knack for- and something that Lou and Debbie tended to be rather dreadful at. Debbie had the crazy ideas, Lou filled in the practical details, but Tammy was the person who could intuitively identify, in real time, what needed to happen _right now_ , and what could wait until later.

 

In this particular situation, getting Deb to calm down had been first, assessing her wounds second (it was highly unlikely based on the surrounding evidence that she was in imminent physical danger). Third was getting Debbie to sleep- primarily because the fourth item on the list was checking in on Lou.

 

Fortunately, since Tam still worked for Danny most of the time, she knew that he was in the area. Further, she knew that he wasn’t all that busy because he wasn’t really working anything right now. Tammy was wrapping up a few loose ends on a job, and they were starting up on something big in about a month or so. Sure, he was always planning- the new job would be no less than 30% planned by the time he presented it to the team (probably more than that though)- but he wasn’t actively busy.

 

Although fairly confident that Debbie would be fine to sleep on her own- probably wouldn’t wake, but if she did she’d be unlikely to hurt herself- Tammy wasn’t about to take any chances. This was her oldest, probably still best friend, and her employer’s baby sister. So she called him. And he was there in record time. He tried to drill Tammy on the details, but seemed satisfied enough in knowing that Deb and Lou’s relationship had been potentially irreparably damaged.

 

It was pouring in Manhattan when Tammy stepped out of her car. Pouring didn’t even really cover it. It would only have been a slight exaggeration to say that it was a torrential downpour. Parts of the street and sidewalk had turned into small but mighty rivers. Tammy picked her way carefully as she walked the few blocks to Deb and Lou’s apartment. The couple had relocated recently when Lou had a falling out with the owner of the club in Brooklyn she’d been at the past couple of years. That, and Debbie hated it there. She was a self-professed snob, and truly frowned on the outer boroughs.

 

Lou, by contrast, was not very impressed with the high-end luxury apartment that Debbie had guilted Danny into scamming her into. Of course, Lou loved luxury. But she was very particular, and the cookie-cutter interiors of this type of building made her uncomfortable. All of the character of the old building had been stripped, save for the façade, which mean the interiors had been replaced with subpar materials, as was the case with most modern constructions. But, of course, it didn’t stop them from charging an arm and a leg. No, Lou wanted a place with character that she could make her own, and she didn’t particularly care to live in this part of the city in the slightest. If it had been up to Lou, they’d have been down in the Village, or in Chelsea…those places she could deal with. She’d have been all right living in Harlem, too… Of course, though, Ms. Ocean wanted to live on the Upper East Side. Because of course she did. Lou wasn’t even surprised, it was just who Deb was. And, she’d reasoned, she’d forced Deb to live where she wanted for years for her job. And Lou didn’t typically spend much time at home at the moment anyway with her irregular work schedule. Or so she told herself. But she really, really hated that fucking apartment.

 

But Lou loved Debbie. She loved her to a fault.

 

Debbie could probably shoot Lou, intentionally, with malice (hypothetically, of course, Debbie would never do something like that), and Lou would still forgive her. Eventually.

 

The problem with Debbie’s betrayal, with her “relationship” with _Claude_ was that...well, it was about _him_.

 

It wasn’t even like Deb hadn’t seen other people while they’d been together. Lou had too. It was okay, they’d talked about it early on in their relationship, although it had taken them a while to exercise that option. They’d wanted to make sure their relationship was stable. But Deb had never had an opportunity to be with other people, with _men_ , and it was important to Lou that Debbie not feel constrained. Debbie, for her part, understood that Lou’s jobs consisted of her being surrounded by beautiful people who flirted with her shamelessly and didn’t want to hold Lou back. Lou had protested that she didn’t want to see other people, but they ultimately agreed preserving the option was the best course of action- which had proved to be accurate. Lou’s pride in her game and her reputation was stronger than she’d realized, and she did really, really enjoy pleasing women. She never let them touch her, though, not really. Still, she did feel it was a good thing. She and Deb had a tendency to be unhealthily co-dependent, and they needed their time apart. They were just both such sexual people that…well, this was what happened.

 

Debbie, on the other hand, having such little relationship experience…well, she kind of tended to get carried away. Particularly with men. She didn’t fall in love with them, per se. At least not anywhere near as deeply or completely as she had with Lou. They were never even close to that. Lou liked this just fine, it meant she could find somewhere else to crash for a few weeks- that was as long as it had gone before Claude.

 

The problem, though, with the Claude situation, was that Debbie had broken all of the rules that they had set. And she’d done it intentionally. She’d snuck around with him from the outset, which was unforgivable. She’d carried on with her “secret life,” not even taking any pains to hide the evidence from Lou. Lou hadn’t wanted to notice at first. And she’d been visiting an old friend out in Portland for a couple of months, helping her get a new club up and running. Debbie had urged Lou to go, hadn’t really even given her a choice in the matter. Lou had assumed that had been because she’d been sitting around moping about losing her job. Maybe that had been part of it, she’d probably never know for sure.

 

There was no response when Tammy knocked, so she let herself in with the key the couple had given her. For emergencies, they’d said. She certainly felt that this qualified.

 

Tammy entered cautiously, not sure what she would find. What she did find was not at all what she had anticipated, however.  Lou was sitting on the sofa- properly sitting, mind you- with a tea set laid out in front of her. She had a cup and saucer in hand, mid-sip, when she raised her eyes to Tammy, over top of her glasses. She calmly completed her sip before replacing the china in its proper place on the table.

 

Tammy glanced around the apartment. The air was eerily still, and everything was pristine. Too pristine. Deb and Lou did _not_ live this way. _Tammy_ lived this way.

 

It took her a moment to get her bearings, but the pieces slowly started to fit together in Tammy’s mind. It was at times like these that Lou remembered that she had never really known much of Lou’s history. But, at the same time, it hit her how much she knew intuitively, how intimately she understood what was going on.

 

Lou hadn’t moved or spoken since Tammy entered, but neither did she seem surprised or offended at the younger woman’s presence. Tammy, by contrast, had expressed quite a range of emotion and confusion in the brief expanse of time. This wasn’t unusual. Lou had the best poker face of anyone Tammy knew, and…Tammy had the worst, usually (except on the subject of her own personal life).

 

Lou moved to pour tea into another cup, which was when Tammy registered that there had been two cups all along. She couldn’t have known that Tammy would be arriving just then, it didn’t make sense.

 

“I’m sorry, I should’ve called before I…I should’ve at least knocked or something.”

 

Lou shrugged.

 

“You do have your own key.”

 

Silence hung heavily between the two as Lou slid the tea cup across from her, in front of a chaise that was angled to partially face the sofa. She gestured towards the chaise with her head, seeming somehow both resigned and relieved. Tammy hung her raincoat on the coatrack by the door and slipped out of her wet boots before perching where Lou had indicated.

 

“You’re acting like my grandma and it’s creeping me out.”

 

Lou shrugged nonchalantly.

 

“You act like your grandma all the time. Freaks me out, but I don’t say anything about it. From what I understand, it’s considered rude.”

 

Tammy glared.

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

“I do. Because I mean the same damn thing, Tam.”

 

“I made a fucking choice, Lou. You may not agree with my reasoning, but it is _my_ decision how I want to live my life. There are _reasons._ ”

 

“Ooh, _multiple_ reasons. I am _so_ impressed.”

 

“Lou.” Tammy’s reply was stern and forceful.

 

“Tammy,” Lou mocked.

 

“Lou, you’re reacting. This isn’t you. You’re just…compartmentalizing and stifling your feelings. What you’re doing is not healthy.”

 

“I could say the same to you, couldn’t I?”

 

Tammy rolled her eyes.

 

“ _Fine._ Yes, I do that too. But I’m not the one who just had my heart shattered into a million pieces by Debbie fucking Ocean.”

 

Lou sighed heavily.

 

“What do you want me to say? Or…what, are you here to rub it in? Tammy, what do you want? We were never friends.”

 

“I know you don’t actually mean any of that, so I’m not going to take it personally. But what exactly are you going to accomplish by pushing me away?”

 

“Okayyy…so, if…I don’t push you away, then what?”

 

“Then…tell me what happened.”

 

“It sounds like you already know that.”

 

“Tell me how you feel about what happened.”

 

“Okay, Dr. Phil.”

 

“Damnit, Lou. Fine. Don’t tell me anything. Let’s just…watch a movie or something. Or like have a real goddamn drink.”

 

“Why not both?”

 

Tammy laughed.

 

“That’s the spirit.”

 

“No pun intended?”

 

“Shut the fuck up.”

 

\--

 

The sun pierced harshly through Lou’s bedroom window, startling Tammy awake. She didn’t remember falling asleep there, not in the slightest. All she remembered was the fact that she actually had a real drink- several of them- which she had not done in years. She’d never had a problem with alcohol when she wasn’t already on something else, but she hadn’t wanted to risk falling back into old habits. Things always felt different with Lou, though. She felt safe, and she felt in control. She felt understood.

 

She remembered they’d been watching a movie, too. An old one. Stage Door, one of their mutual favorites. Debbie had never had much patience for old movies- she found them boring and tedious. That being said, they might’ve done well to choose something more lighthearted.

 

Tammy remembered bits and pieces as her groggy brain started to focus.

 

She remembered Lou sobbing into her lap. She remembered trying to comfort her, but not knowing quite what to say. Feeling that Lou and Debbie had been destined for one another, that perhaps they still were.  But also knowing…that Debbie could be a real fucking bitch, and a very self-destructive one at that. She had a knack for pulling people down- that was why she’d had a hard time maintaining a relationship with her associates, why she had a hard time making friends. It made sense that this particular problem would extend to her romantic life. Tammy had even recommended that she get help with it, perhaps that Deb and Lou ought to see a counselor together- something Lou actually had expressed an interest in doing (in confidence, Tammy was forbidden to tell Deb for some reason).

 

For Deb’s part, she categorically refused therapy. It was stupid, Tammy knew, but it also made sense. The Oceans were…old school. They didn’t believe in the concept of mental health so much as “mental strength”- which was a frequent conversation topic at dinner.

 

It had always kind of struck Tammy as funny that Debbie was always trying to liberate Tammy while seemingly taking great pains to reinforce much of the Ocean belief system in her own mind. It was as though being in a relationship with a woman had made Deb compulsively conform to the ideas she’d been disavowing her entire life.

 

Tammy remembered telling Lou that she would be okay, somehow, that everything would work out. She also remembered Lou’s sobs turning to hysterical laughter at that point. And that Lou’s laughter was contagious- that both of them ended up laugh-crying on the floor in front of the TV, throwing popcorn and candy at one another.

 

They’d dozed off, sprawled on the floor, Lou’s hand grazing Tammy’s bicep, the result of a too-sleepy playful punch. Tammy remembered hours later waking to pee. settling herself to keep watch over Lou, and she remembered _actually watching_ Lou sleep for what felt like a long while.

 

Then she…didn’t remember anything until now.

 

Tammy sat up with a start, thinking what anyone would think upon waking in Lou Miller’s bed. But she found she was fully clothed under the covers, while Lou, also fully clothed, was on top of them. They’d never thought of each other in that way, somehow, so Tammy blushed, feeling kind of silly for even having been concerned. Especially because it wasn’t _Lou Miller’s_ bed. It was _Lou Miller and Debbie Ocean’s_ bed.

 

Lou was on Debbie’s side, Tammy observed. She lay on her stomach, her head turned slightly to the side. Her face was pressed to Deb’s pillow, arms wrapped tightly around it. Further, although Lou appeared asleep, she was actually just hiding most of the upper half of her body under a throw from the couch, silently crying.  Tammy moved to her, putting a hand on her back. She rubbed soothing circles there, repaying in kind the comfort Lou had offered young Tammy all those years ago.


End file.
